Snowpocalypse 2012

When it snows in the Seattle area, the whole town shuts down. The Oatmeal has a comic that pretty much sums up the conversation that everyone in Western Washington has been having lately. But I prefer the pictoral proof of Snowmaggedon descending upon Seattle...

And all my Facebook friends who were praying for snow, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

We have about 15 inches of snow at our place - well maybe 13 inches of snow and 2 inches of solid ice thanks to the ice-storm (WTF? That's a THING?) that rolled thru this morning around 4am. It's been snowing all day, we haven't had school - me or the kids - since last week, and the cabin fever is building. Husband - not used to forced rest and relaxation - is about as irritating as a toddler on crack. A toddler with ADHD on crack. The kids are better, they're alternating playing in the snow with reading and playing games online.

Actually I need to shut my trap - we are pretty lucky. We have not lost power (knock on every available wood surface) except for a couple of hours yesterday, and have plenty of food and drink (aka alcohol for Mama) in the house. Stupid Puppy and I have had some fun in the snow too...

However this - just happened this afternoon - is not so fun. I don't give a flying rats ass about the van, that is what car insurance is for. But that tree, that's the tree we planted the first spring we were in this house fourteen years ago. It is a star magnolia, has grown approximately twice as big as the people at the nursery told me it would, and sort of seems like a member of the family. I cried. I'm so dumb, people have died and lost their homes in this fucking storm. But I loved that tree.

I hate snow. I hate cold. I hate ice. I wonder if they need English teachers in Mexico?

Inspirational Words

So I was cruising the blogosphere looking for Decorating Porn, because I totally don't have three more papers to write in the next ten days and have plenty of time to look at decorating porn. Yup. No problem here. Move along officer... when I came across this post from The Uncluttered Lifestyle. Inspirational words on the wall in her office. Faith, Imagine, Love, Family...really nice words that illustrate how she lives her life. Not to mention a beautiful home office to blog in, rather than my preferred workspace of the couch with my laptop and a glass of wine in arms reach.

What would my inspirational word wall say?

Wine

Procrastinate

QUIET!

Damn

No

Later

Hmmm...I'm thinking I should work on how I live my life. It's not looking so hot on the wall. Maybe I'll make a wall of how OTHER people live their lives. Much more company-ready than mine.

May Flowers

Celebrating a beautiful sunny day (finally) and the late-blooming tulips that are springing up all over our yard. We have been doing some major work to the yard and hopefully soon I will have the before and after shots. I hope Nannie is enjoying the flowers too, a beautiful garden was one of her favorite things.

Great Galloping Goats

Because I don't have enough to do already, we've adopted five goats. They are freaking hysterical! The people kids have named the ruminant kids Goofy, Galoshes, Gypsy (all girls), Gizmo and Grizzle (boys with no balls). Obviously my people kids are weirdos.

Here are the goats nervously checking out the neighbors squawking chickens.

And here they are playing follow the leader with Daughter. Who I might add got up at SEVEN AM ON A SUNDAY to take care of them! Will wonders never cease?

We're hoping that the goats will help keep the blackberry bushes at bay. They have tons of personality and are extremely funny to watch. They've been a herd for almost four years and are so attached it's like they are tied together with an invisible rope. Where one goes - they all go. And when the people kids go into the pasture to play with them the goats all follow them around like puppy dogs. Our dog is disappointed they don't have opposable thumbs so they can throw the tennis ball for her, and the cats sit on the fence posts watching and wondering what they hell they are.

Now to keep husband from turning them into kabob... *snirk*

The Usual End-of-Quarter Freak Out

Papers due, finals to study for, group projects to finish and only two and a half weeks to get it all done.

***

Just found out Mother-In-Law will most likely be arriving early in June.  Like at the end of finals week.  OMG THE HOUSE IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING CLEAN!!!  And the yard, ay-yi-yi.  It is a complete and total disaster.

***

Daughter is failing science and, because I am an idiot, the penalty for failing science is going to summer school.  Every weekday for six weeks.  To which I have to drive her to and from.  Early in the morning.  In the summer.  ARGH!  This whole being a responsible parent thing sucks big hairy ones sometimes.  I sure hope she can get her act together in the last five weeks of school that is left.

***

I am now going to call a housecleaner, arrange for yardwork to be hired out and have a nervous breakdown.  Thank GOD Dad is visiting this weekend because he can keep Grandmother happy and entertained so I can get all this other shit done.  Cracking the whip on husband and kids starting NOW....

I Don't Speak French But...

I'm pretty sure that this is a contraption for watching porn at work or a public library.

What will the French think of next?

(Oops, forgot to tell y'all where I found it originally.  Check out Cribcandy, it's my absolute favorite porn site because they've got really cool normal home decor porn as well as weird shit like this.  And the uterus vase which I'm still hoping someone will buy me for a gift.)

Dream Kitchen

The Moggit Girls have done it again.  Check out my absolute DREAM KITCHEN.  (I've mentioned that I like wine right?)  Although I don't think there is quite enough room for wine.  I would replace the stove/oven combo with another wine fridge.  After all, cooking is for those who don't know how to order take out.

Sigh...

The Wall of Weapons

Before you look at the following pictures, you need to go here to refresh your memory of what the black hole of doom looked like before.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

It took me all of Saturday and a good portion of Sunday but I finally got daughter's room clean and tidy.  The clothes are all clean and put away, the forty-eleven tons of sunflower seed shells are ensconced in the vacuum cleaner and the books are all on the bookshelves instead of all over the floor!

Isn't it cute?  I love the black and white with a little bit of red.

Someday she will get a real bed but for now her mattress and boxspring are on the floor to prevent stuffeverythingunderthebed-itis.  Daughter has a very bad case of this disease and having the bed directly on the floor cures it easily and without the outlay of cash on our part.

Are you wondering what the hell the big thing on the wall is?  We affectionately refer to it as daughters Wall of Weapons.  When she was four she started martial arts and by the time she was thirteen she had earned her black belt.  (Husband wanted to make sure she could kill people by the time she was old enough to date.)  For every belt level, she learned a different weapon and since she was going all the way to black belt and would need them then, we purchased all these weapons.

Have you every tried to find a place to store a fucking 7 foot long staff?  Or swords?  Scary looking c-shaped hook thingamabobs?  Not an easy task.  So husband got this big pegboard and we hung them all on the moveable hooks.

Of course now that she's not doing martial arts anymore the pegboard has become a purse, belt and accessories board also but it is first and foremost a Wall of Weapons and any teenage boy within Greater Puget Sound better not forget it.  

If daughter won't use the weapons on him, husband will.

Spring Has Sprung

The first day of spring is a BIG DEAL in Iran and by extension, for Iranian families all over the world.  Iran is on a lunar calendar and the first day of the year is the first day of spring - TODAY!  Homes are cleaned from top to bottom in preparation of the day (My Mother and sisters in law have been cleaning and scrubbing their houses for for weeks.  I did the dishes and vacuumed this morning.  Yay me!) and schools and businesses are closed for a couple of weeks to give everyone a vacation.  I haven't been to Iran for this holiday yet but from the descriptions from Husband and his family, it sounds a lot like the last couple weeks of December here but without the trampling stampedes of shoppers at the mall.

Because we live here and the kids are American in every way except the half of their blood that gives them unibrows and lets them get a beautiful tan in the summer, we make an effort to "do" as many Iranian holidays as we can so they can get a little bit of the culture and heritage of their father.  The Persian New Year, Noruz, is a fun one involving picking out a fish, dying hard-boiled eggs and trying to get something green to grow in time for the holiday.  These are all for the sofreh-ye haft-sinn (I call it the haftseen because honestly, who can remember all those weird words) which means 'Seven Dishes Setting' and is a sort of tablescape of things that each represent something.  

All seven things start with sinn (the letter S in farsi) and represent different things.  Rebirth is represented by sprouts - usually wheat or lentils - but I thought it was supposed to be grass (hard to believe we've been at this for 15 years huh?) so I grew grass seeds in a flowerpot.  Husband and I had a race, he was trying to germinate them on a plate covered up by a wet paper towel but I thought that was totally idiotic so I planted them in dirt and mine grew - his didn't.  WIN!  

Health and beauty are represented by apples.  No problem.  I bought some at the grocery store. 

Love is represented by senjed which apparently is the dry fruit of the wild olive.  It's unobtainable in regular grocery stores so Husband had to pay a ridiculous amount of money at the Persian specialty food store for approximately 8 of the little fuckers.

Garlic represents medicine.  Another easy one, throw a head of garlic in the grocery cart with the apples.

Sumac represents the color of the sunrise.  Apparently when the sun comes up on the new year, good conquers evil.  I was not burned into a pile of ashes this morning so I am suspicious of the validity of this particular claim.

Vinegar represents age and patience.  (I just realized I don't have any vinegar on my haftseen - FAIL!)  How perfect is that?  Aren't old people "vinegary"?  God knows Grandmother certainly has her vinegar-fueled moments!  I don't know about patience but vinegar is a perfect representation of age.  These Persians are pretty smart.

Plus you put colored eggs (Hey!  The Easter Bunny has a Persian cousin called The Noruz Bunny!) in a dish to represent fertility.  I hard boiled the eggs first because babies?  DO NOT WANT!  Everyone has other things they put on the haftseen and Husband's family has always put a copy of the Koran on theirs.  I did too because 1. we have a very pretty one that was getting all dusty anyway and 2. I will be sending a photo of the kids in front of the haftseen to Husband's family and they are devout and I don't want them to know that their daughter in law is evil.  

The last thing on the haftseen is a goldfish (we cheated this year) which represents life and the end of the astral year associated with the constellation Pisces.

I totally cribbed all this info from THIS BOOK which is a cookbook/cheat-sheet for people interested in Persian cooking and culture.  The recipe for noodle soup on page 66 is the best soup ever!

So we're going to have a nice Persian dinner tonight (if I ever get my ass in the kitchen and start cooking it) and then on Sunday we'll have dinner at Brotherinlaw & Awesomesisterinlaw's house where we will stuff ourselves on her awesome cooking (think Thanksgiving dinner with different food) and give the kids presents and crisp new money for the new year.

Here is a pic of a haftseen from the Payvand website:

And here are some super fancy eggs from another blog that the Noruz Bunny brings (She's totally owning you Easter Bunny!):


And here is our humble little haftseen.  This is the first year in many years that we haven't killed the fish before the actual holiday.  One year Things One and Two "fed" it pennies and cheerios and another year the cat got it.  Last year I didn't even bother getting one.  This year's fish is a betta fish, I'm hoping it will last longer than the goldfish did.  His name is Rambo since he's a fighting fish.  Watch out bitches, my fish will kick your ass!

Happy Noruz everyone!

Decorating Porn Giveaway

By now you all know that I am a porn addict.  I try try try to decorate our house and my family keeps RUINING it for me.  The other day while browsing porn (instead of doing homework, don't tell my parents!), I went to Janet & Joy's Mogg Blogg.  Janet & Joy are the ladies behind Moggit, the flashy blinky thing on my sidebar.  They are hysterical and help keep the whole decorating craze in perspective for those of us who actually LIVE in our homes rather than just decorate and photograph them.

So it must be my lucky month because the Mogg-girls are having a giveaway contest!  They're giving away a beautiful copy of a Domino Magazine book of decorating (more porn, yay!) to the winner.  At first they were asking for "your own personal decorating disasters" but since they had very little response, now it's just 'comment to win a cool book bitches!' (I'm paraphrasing). 

But I HAVE a personal decorating disaster!  It's daughter's room that I got about halfway done decorating last summer while she was off sailing the seven seas like Sinbad the Sailor.  (I totally would have gotten it completely done if it hadn't taken me THREE FUCKING DAYS just to CLEAN it!)  And I really, really wanted to share it with Janet & Joy because they understand me and my addiction.

So this is what I sent to the Mogg-girls:

Now, this needs some explanation. This is my fourteen year old daughter's bedroom. Last summer while she was off for a week sailing in the San Juan Islands with my Mom & Stepdan (rough life that kid has) I surprised her by cleaning out her room (it took three days just for that phase of the project) and then decorating it. The valance over the window is the COOLEST fabric. It looks like a floral pattern but up close it has skulls and bones on it:



Very hip for a thirteen at the time year old girl. I also made a pillow case out of that fabric with a zebra trim and then another pillowcase with the zebra fabric for the pillowcase and the skull fabric for the trim.

The desk under the window is two nightstands that my husband had his painters paint (they missed the space between the drawers - MEN!) with a board across the top, also painted black so daughter could have a nice large desk to spread out her artwork on. I bought her new bedding, a zebra throw blanket and beanbag chair, re-did all her artwork to go with the theme of black and white zebra print with some red thrown in for color. We took the bed off the frame (so she can't shove all her crap under the bed) and pushed it up against the wall with lots of fun pillows so it's like a daybed/couch.

Husband made the two bookcases and someday he will paint them black too. You know, actually finish the job?

We put the fun disco ball and colored light on the desk and the long black strip above the desk is a black light so it looks very funky with the overhead light off and the disco and black lights on.

In the very bottom of the pic you can see a tiny bit of one of those scary origami lamps from Ikea that she begged for and I agreed to buy on the condition that she put the fucker together herself because there was no way in hell I was going to do it.  It is supposed to be hung up over her bed but she took it down a week ago to change the lightbulb and it hasn't grown wings and flown back into place so it is still on the floor.

I still need to organize and accessorize the bookcases and she wants to put zebra wrapping paper on the ceiling.  (No way in hell are we wallpapering but I can tape some paper to the ceiling with the best of them).  Then I want to have husbands painters paint the big dresser black and find some cool knobs for it.  And after that I am hoping for tiny leprechauns to bring me buckets of gold.

So my question is, how do I keep the little slob out of her bedroom so it will stay clean and organized for longer than THIRTY FREAKING SECONDS??? Ladies, as you can see, I am in dire need of your decorating assistance. Please help me before daughter's crap takes over the entire house and we all drown in the paraphernalia of a fourteen year old girl.

Procrastination

While avoiding homework by looking at porn the other day, I found Benita's very cool display of Pez dispensers in her home in Sweden.  (I think all those cold, dark months constitute a necessary home decorating hobby/job/sanity saver.  It's either that or a rubber room.)

I can't put her picture up here because I'm technologically challenged so click on her name to see it.  Go on, I'll wait.  She even has a Mr. Bean pez thingy!

It reminded me of the library organized by color pics that were all over the porn-o-sphere a few months ago.  I think this is the coolest thing ever and because I have three 8ft. by 4ft. bookcases in my living room, two that size in the playroom plus three smaller ones, a 4ft. by 4ft. one in the hallway and two more of the 8x4 sized ones in daughters room and smaller ones in the Things bedrooms - ALL of which are full of books, I could probably do it to a pretty good effect.

I love the way it looks but keep thinking what a MASSIVE pain in the ass it would be to create.  And maybe how it would drive me batshit crazy to not be able to find a book I wanted when I wanted it?

Picture from Craftzine

Or maybe I'm just trying to come up with more ways to procrastinate doing my homework, the laundry, weeding the garden, paying bills, organizing the mudroom.....

Chick Magnets

The sight of Thing 1 and Thing 2 trying to herd 8 chickens out of my garden when I pulled into our driveway on Wednesday was QUITE a sight!  For some inexplicable reason the boys thought I would be angry and the first thing out of their mouths was "They followed us home Mom, we tried to stop them but they just followed us!!!"

After I picked myself up off the ground where I had fallen down from laughing so hard, I assured them that chickens following them home was not anything that was going to get them into trouble.  Then I sent them in to get the camera...

What can I say, my boys are CHICK MAGNETS!

And these were some VERY friendly chickens.  The impudent white one jumped right on my lap after I took this picture!  Being the responsible adult that I am I yelled "CHICKEN!  ON MY LAP!  GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!" so Thing 2 shooed it off of me.

Hey, I've got nothing against chickens but when one is on your lap you realize how hard and pointy and BIG their beaks are!  I had visions of losing an eye!

Then we let our idiot golden retriever out and the chickens all huddled against the house, cowering in fear and terror...

Until they realized that if THEY chased HER, she would run away!  The next few minutes were highly entertaining watching our dog run away from a bunch of chickens.

Finally the boys got some bread and slowly led them down the driveway, down the road and back to the neighbor's house where they rightfully belong.  The neighbor was very apologetic but the boys told him not to worry about it - "Mom laughed her head off and then took pictures so she could blog it".

They know me so well!

Weakness

I have a confession to make.  Interior decorating blogs are my porn.  I drool over a "vignette" on a tabletop, I pant at the thought of decorating myself a walk in closet (or even a not walk in closet OMFG!) and I positively scream a la Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally over pictures of beautifully decorated living rooms with no fucking wires showing!

(Please excuse my foul language, I spent half the morning organizing all the electronic shit in the playroom and the amount of zip-ties needed to corral the wires so I could JUST MOP THE DAMN FLOOR was obscene.  Typing "fuck" makes me feel better so skip over it if cursing offends you.  Come to think of it, if cursing offends you this is probably not a site you want to read.  Ever.)

The problem with masturbating to interior decorating blogs is that no real house ever looks like that.  (Just like the silicone-enhanced, waxed, airbrushed up the wazoo girls in Playboy!)  They use duct tape and chicken wire (just what I use for my kids!) to make everything stay in EXACTLY the right place and since a picture is just a moment, the fact that kids and husbands and pets and LIFE are going to come in the room .3 seconds later to fuck it all up again is ok.  But it makes those of use who actually LIVE in our houses feel like shit.  I know this.  I know that Martha Stewart is the antichrist and yet I read her blog.  And website.  And occasionally, when I've had too much to drink, I try to cook her recipes.  Because I do not have forty-eleven minions to do all the work for me, it never ever turns out.  I KNOW this.  And yet, I keep going back to my own twisted version of internet porn.  It's a sickness people, an addiction.  That means I can't help myself so back off bitches!

Then I found Moggit and all is right with the world again.  Thank you Joy and Janet for helping me to find the humor in my own sick, twisted addiction to interior decorating blogs, photos, websites, magazines and television shows.  You and red wine (along with chicken wire and duct tape) are the only things that keep me sane!

Air Mail!

I started blogging as a way to share pictures and funny stories with certain people in my family who have deserted us for sunnier weather.  I'm growing mold while they are tan and warm.  Jealous?  Moi?

The thing that has surprised me about blogging are all the cool people I've "met" online!  I don't remember how I found Frogdancer's blog but I was hooked the first time I read it.  She is a high school teacher in Australia and tells the FUNNIEST stories about her students.  Since I want to be a high school teacher when I grow up, it is a lot of fun reading about someone who is doing it and so obviously loves her students.

But aside from her teaching job and raising four handsome boys on her own, she also knits and sews!  And she came up with the coolest idea ever for coasters - so I bought some and they arrived today!  I love getting mail...

When I ordered my own set of these, I asked for "Persian Carpet" fabrics in deep reds, greens and gold since we have huge Persian carpets in our house that I've decorated around.  Apparently she had three different people order "Persian Carpet" coasters after they saw mine.  I am lucky someone else didn't snatch them up before she mailed them!

Here they are on the carpet so you can see what I meant.  Aren't they awesome?

How cool is this - THEY STAY ON THE WINEGLASSES!  And since they are all different they also serve as glass markers so people can remember which glass is theirs.  I love love love them!

So if you are a wine drinker (me!) and have lots of wood furniture that you don't want circle marks of red or white wine on, get thee to Frogdancer's site and order some!  Or baby hats, clothes, quilts...she makes the cutest stuff!

Art I Must Own

The technology gods frowned upon my attempts to post a photo of the most masterful work of art I need to possess so you will just have to click here to view it for yourself.  (It's the first one, natch)

Mine, all mine.  Now where is my credit card?

Ikea Anyone?

The one store I haven't made it to with motherinlaw is Ikea and it's too late to take her now because she leaves on Sunday.  I love taking Ikea virgins shopping, it's like watching someone get their first heroin fix, but it's probably just as well we didn't go.  Motherinlaw would run over innocent shoppers with the cart she insists on pushing (but is incapable of steering) and want to buy everything in the store.  Then I would have to figure out how to ship it all to her home without taking out a second mortgage to pay the shipping fees.

So now I just have to fit in a day at Ikea between now and September 24th when I start school.  Somehow I think I will find a way.  I've been lusting over their new fabrics ever since I got the catalog and my sewing machine is up and ready for action.

Picture found via Design Talk

Build a House with Crap Already in the Garage - Brilliant!

Husband is the king of recyclers.  He is a general contractor and gets many great finds while doing business.  This is why we had to buy a house with a five car detached garage.  My car does not get to sleep in this garage because it is full of treasures.  I call it The Pit because it looks so awful and disorganized but husband can find anything in there.  Need a 4" ratchet-screw-nail-alan-wrench with a detachable bathtub nozzle?  He has one, I guarantee it.  There are windows, doors, trim, wood, light fixtures, hardware, kitchen cabinets...if it is used to build or repair homes or buildings it is in The Pit.  This is handy when we need stuff fixed, replaced or repaired but I refuse to go inside, it makes me crazy.

BUT - I have found the perfect solution for a bunch of the crap he's saving because it will come in handy someday.  Build a house with it! 

I found this at Offbeat Homes and the very interesting story behind the house is here.

Digging Out the Black Hole - AKA Daughter's Room

Daughter left today for a one week sailing trip to the Canadian San Juan Islands with my Mom & Stepdad.

WHOOHOO!  NO TEENAGE ANGST, EYE-ROLLING OR ARGUING FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!

Sorry, I'll get a grip on myself now.  Just got carried away with rapture there for a moment.

This means that it is time for the annual BIG DIG of her bedroom.  I am a pretty tolerant Mom having been a total slob myself as a kid and teen, so I leave her alone about her bedroom 99% of the time.  She does her own laundry, brings dishes out of the black hole when I ask, and doesn't leave 13 towels on her floor to mold like I used to so I just close the door and grit my teeth most of the time.  But once a year, always when she is gone for a few days (or a WHOLE WEEK!  YAY!) I go through it, get rid of clothes she hasn't worn all year, clean every nook and cranny and generally make sure it doesn't qualify as a hazardous waste site.

This time I'm going to try my hand at some decorating too.  I've got some fun ideas involving her colors of choice (red, black and silver), paint, thin sheet metal, a disco ball and the sewing machine.  If I can get husband on board, it will be a lot of fun.  (If I can't it will be less fun with more arguing involved but I can operate a drill and hammer too so I don't really NEED his help.)  (Ok, I need his help for painting furniture, the paint sprayer scares me.  I might have to rely on bedroom bribery.)

I'm taking before pics today with absolutely no staging or cleaning up the disaster at all and then I'll take after pics so y'all can see if I suck or not at this whole decorating thing.