Two Cultures, One Marriage

Husband and I grew up in two different countries with vastly different cultures. English is his second language (out of three) while I don't speak anything else. He grew up in Iran in a Muslim household, I grew up in a secular household here in the States. He left home for a new life on the other side of the planet when he was only 16. I have lived in the same state since I was 5 years old and as an adult was always within a 25 minute drive of both my parents until two years ago when my Dad & Stepmonster moved to Vegas. Husband's father was an entrepreneur and his mother was a housewife while my parents have always worked as employees of large-ish companies. He grew up poor in a third-world country while I was middle-class in the richest country in the world. All these differences plus the fact that he is 13 years older than me and we married when I was only 19 meant a lot of obstacles to overcome for us to have a successful marriage.

My Mom says now that I was always a good judge of character, others tell me that it was pure dumb luck that our marriage has been so successful. I think it's more a combination of the two along with lots of patience and hard work on both of our parts. The toughest part has been reconciling our two very different cultures into one household.

We both decided long ago that organized religion makes people (mostly) crazy so the whole religion thing is totally not an issue in our relationship. Neither of us practice any formal religion at all. In case you were wondering. Which you were. Cause of the Islam thing. Just letting you know there's no crazies here.

Our kids all have Persian names. I never considered anything else because they are American kids even though they are half Iranian. Their names are the one part of them that reminds them of their other, more hidden, heritage. They know a little bit of Farsi thanks to their Grandmother's four and a half month visit last year and their father's occasional use of the more, um, colorful bits of the language. (We can all swear fluently in Farsi!) We celebrate all the holidays I grew up with like Christmas and the 4th of July along with Norooz and Shab-e-Yalda, two holidays husband grew up celebrating. I cook mainly Persian food, simply because I couldn't cook when we got married and husband taught me to cook many Persian dishes because that's what he knew how to cook. We also order pizza for dinner often enough to be as unhealthy as any other all-American household.

It was husband's suggestion for my grandmother to live with us. In Iran, this is simply The Way Things Are Done. (The fact that my Grandmother is a rockin' 92 year old sarcastic smartass doesn't hurt either - husband loves her!) Our multi-generational household is much more typically Iranian than American and has many benefits for us, our children and my Grandmother.

Husband is a risk taker when it comes to things like starting businesses and buying real estate. He has a true entrepreneur's heart and worked 24/7 when I met him. For Iranians, this is also The Way Things Are Done. If you want to get ahead - or simply survive - in Iran, you work hard at often 2 or 3 jobs and if you aren't willing to take a risk like start a business or buy real estate then you will have nothing to retire with. Not nothing except Social Security but NOTHING nothing.

I was used to a family where parents went to work from 8-4 Monday thru Friday and were home on Saturday & Sunday. They had paid vacations, health insurance, got a paycheck on Fridays and a free turkey for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My parents could indulge in some of their hobbies and had free time everyday when they could sit down to read a book, watch a television show or play Uno with my brother and I. We weren't rich by American standards and the 80's were not a decade of prosperity for our family but compared to husband's family growing up, we were fabulously wealthy.

We have finally settled on, and are both happy with, a 6 day work-week for for husband about 85% of the time. That isn't carved in stone however - we are after all, self-employed - so sometimes he's swamped and works 7 days a week but other times it's slow and he's home by 2pm every day for a week or 2. Luckily the slow times usually fall in the winter. I don't ski or snowboard, so he'll take whichever of our offspring are interested up to the pass to freeze their asses off in the snow. (They say it's fun but I don't believe them.) Plus he's usually available for Christmas shopping while I am freaking out about my final exams.

We have made our own traditions and celebrations. It's a pretty bizarre smorgasboard of what we both grew up with sprinkled with our adult viewpoints and opinions but we're happy and have reached a balance between what is his and mine - now it is ours.

Our 15th anniversary is on December 31, 2008 and I love him more now than I did the day we married. We have made it work against all odds and have created a partnership that is the backbone of our family. And we laugh every day. I'm one lucky-ass woman.