Buying my way into Heaven

So you remember what to do if you are old and mean and trying to buy your way into heaven?  Now you don't need to get stuck with needles - now you can REALLY Buy Your Way Into Heaven.  Don't like lines, prefer first class?  This is what they provide:

"How would you feel if when the day came to travel, you had to walk up that long flight of stairs to get into the clouds?  You just had a rough past couple of days and the last thing you need is to walk up an enormous flight of stairs.  After you reach the top then you get stuck in a long line waiting to get through those wonderful pearly gates.  Days, maybe weeks pass, and you finally arrive at the front of the line and the gatekeeper tells you that there is no more room.  Dang!  If you would have only reserved your spot with us, there wouldn't have been this problem.  You could have been sitting pretty with a first class ticket straight to the gates with zero waiting, but instead, you will be sent down to live an uncertain life filled with pain and anguish."

And for people you don't like, the asshole that cut you off on the freeway this morning, your in-laws...you can Reserve a Spot in Hell for them.

THIS is why I pay for internet service every month folks.