I've Changed My Mind

The Pacific Northwest is the nicest climate I've ever lived it.  I was born in Juneau, Alaska and let me tell you, if you think it rains a lot in Seattle you have never been to Southeast Alaska.  Southeast Alaska gets 54.4 inches of rain a year while Seattle gets 37 inches.  

However, I did move to the Pacific Northwest at age 5 (almost) so I really don't remember Alaska very well.  But I am convinced that I lived in the tropics in a previous life because I love sunshine and hot weather - I even dream about hot sunny weather!  The letdown of waking up to another cold, gray, drizzly, Seattle day after dreaming about hot, sunny weather is a real bitch, let me tell you.

I belong here:

Or here:

Definitely here:

So forget teaching, I think I'm going to run away to Mexico and become a bartender or a beach bum.  I could really use some sun...

I Don't Speak French But...

I'm pretty sure that this is a contraption for watching porn at work or a public library.

What will the French think of next?

(Oops, forgot to tell y'all where I found it originally.  Check out Cribcandy, it's my absolute favorite porn site because they've got really cool normal home decor porn as well as weird shit like this.  And the uterus vase which I'm still hoping someone will buy me for a gift.)

Letting my Baby Leave the Nest

Daughter spent last weekend - Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon - at "Jesus Camp" as she put it.  Or Youth Group Church Camp as I referred to it.  Until she said Jesus Camp.  Now that's what I call it.  I let my kid go to Jesus Camp.  And she's been going to Youth Group on Wednesday evenings for a few weeks now.  

I can't blame her for enjoying it, I did the same thing at her age and it's hanging out with a bunch of her friends playing games, listening to music (the church has a real live band that actually isn't awful) and talking.  Because there is only one high school in our district, the kids all know each other and really enjoy spending time together outside of school.  And after all, it's CHURCH for pete's sake.  It's not like she's hanging out at a local crack house getting high and turning tricks.

So what is my problem?  Why would this bother me just a little bit?

Things like this, and this, and this.  

Thanks to Dan Savage's Youth Pastor Watch on Slog for digging these stories up and making sure attention is paid to them.  We cannot ever again allow a systematic cover up of the sexual abuse of children.

The issue of sexual abuse and manipulation of children and young people by their religious leader is not something that is just a series of news stories for me.  It's personal.  As a kindergartner I attended a neighborhood church with Grandmother and absolutely LOVED the minister.  We moved away and I didn't go back to that church again until I was a teenager.  The same minister was there and I was ecstatic to get to spend time with him again.  I went on a youth group trip to Purdue University at 13, participated in church activities and really enjoyed it.  I still loved the minister - he was a big, teddy bear kind of guy, grandfatherly, generous with hugs and he simply radiated love and kindness.  He did a children's sermon every Sunday using some of his huge collection of hand puppets and did different voices for each of them.  Every kid in the church loved him and looked up to him.

Then he was gone.

I don't remember how it all went down exactly, I was older and working in addition to being a high school student and wasn't as regular about going to church and youth group.  But there was gossip, a lot of the adults were upset including Marvelous Mom and Stepdan (maybe they were just dating then?) and I wanted to know what happened.  I loved this guy and couldn't believe that he did anything wrong.

So Mom arranged for the interim minister to come to the house and explain the whole situation to me.  The minister I loved, who I had known since I was a little girl, had an affair with a young man who was a member of the church.  I don't think he was young enough to be jail-bait but I don't think he was 18 yet when the affair became sexual.  He was also in a fragile mental state and under the care of a psychiatrist for a mental illness.  The boys mother had asked the minister to talk to him, counsel him - and instead he seduced him.  The minister I loved had shown porn to young people from the church in his home, not just the boy who he had an affair with but others also.  His wife, who I also loved, had known about it.  It was not a one-time thing, it was ongoing and lengthy.  It must not have been anything technically illegal because I don't think he ever went to jail or even faced charges, but it was a massive and brutal violation of trust that the church members placed in him.  He resigned and has never worked in ministry again as far as I know.

I fell apart.  The poor interim minister - who is an awesome guy and I will always appreciate for telling me the unvarnished truth and treating me as a thinking, intelligent individual - and my Mom were a little shocked at my reaction.  I don't remember all the specifics of the conversation (obviously - if I've gotten the details wrong I hope Marvelous Mom will correct me so I can fix them) but I remember crying and crying and wondering how I could have been so stupid for loving someone who would take advantage of his position and influence over a boy who was young and in need of help, not sex.  This man who I looked up to and admired, fell off the pedestal I had put him on with a thud that hurt my heart.

After that I never went to church regularly again and became very suspicious of organized religion.  Now that I'm older there are other reasons for my suspicions but the experience in my childhood has forever tainted my trust in people, especially church leaders.  I let the kids go to church - the same church - with Marvelous Mom and Stepdan when they spend the night with them because my folks are both very active in the church and its leadership and know everyone better than we did back when the evil minister was in charge.  I know that there are precautions in place within that specific church community because there are still members who bear the scars from the events of 20 years ago.  And I know the church is inclusive of all types of people including gays, minorities and the children of Muslim-raised fathers like my children.  My kids will not hear hate-filled speech or radical fundamentalist intolerance.  But we don't go regularly.  I don't think I will ever go to church regularly again.

Now daughter has a fabulous group of friends, really great kids that I like a lot, who go to youth group at a church in our community.  Of course she wants to go and we let her.  I have talked to the youth pastor at the church, I know their basic values, and daughters 6th grade teacher who I respect and trust is a member of the church.  But its still a church full of people I don't know well.  

We let her go.  I talk to her about my past and my concerns regularly, she knows about the minister I loved who hurt so many people and she knows our feelings about fundamentalism and intolerance.  I trust her to know what is right, to be able to protect herself, and to grow up and go out into the world without me.

And while she is gone, I wait by the phone with a knot in my stomach

Drool

I think I'm feeling a wee bit faint, is it warm in here?  *fans self with hand*

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Funk

Do you ever have times where you don't feel like yourself but there's nothing really WRONG, you just feel - icky?  I should be as happy as a stoner in a police evidence locker since it reached 77 degrees at my house today and I soaked up enough sun to get a little crispy around the edges but I just feel blah.  

I'm bummed because I've gained like 20 pounds in the last year (sitting on my ass doing the work necessary to get good grades is NOT conducive to keeping my girlish figure) but I can't find the motivation to actually stop eating everything that isn't nailed down and I dunno, EXERCISE once in a while.  I just feel blah.  And unfocused.

Time to get off my butt, get some exercise, and snap the hell out of it!

Two Lists

I got the idea for this twist on a Bucket List from Avitable.  I've never been a big fan of a bucket list for myself.  The best experiences I've had in my life have been completely unplanned and unexpected (hi daughter!) so I tend to think making a list is a complete waste of time - I could be watching Frankie Gutierrez or getting tattooed instead!

But I'm going to make a bucket list for myself.  I'm going to do it because I really really want to make a Fuck-It list and it's not as good if you don't make the bucket list first.  For the uninitiated, a bucket list is a list of the things you want to do before you kick the bucket.  A Fuck-It list is the things you never want to do and if you drop dead without having done any of them you will die happy.  (This list is easier than a bucket list.  At least for me.)  I'm limiting them both to ten items because otherwise the first list would be two or three and the second list would never end and I have things to do people!

Katy's Bucket List:

1. Bask in the sun on a beach on the island of Corfu.  For a few weeks.  Or months.  Or forever.

2. Visit the Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust Zoo on the Isle of Jersey.

3. Rub Frankie Gutierrez's naked abdomen with my bare hands.  And maybe his biceps too.

4. Earn a Ph.D. in Education.

5. Go on safari in Africa.

6. Weigh 125 pounds again.

7. Throw out the first pitch at a Mariners game.

8. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.

9. Hold a koala.  In Australia.

10. Go to Iran with husband and the kids for a few weeks to meet his whole family and see where he grew up.

Katy's Fuck it List:

1. Bungee jumping.  WTF is that all about anyway?!?

2. Understand quantum physics.

3. Attend a Dungeons and Dragons convention/game/event.  (Sadly this may actually be in my future due to the extreme nerdliness of the Things.  Unless I can bribe their older cousin to take them.)

4. Swim where sharks, man-o-wars, or other deadly water gremlins live.  In fact, I think I will swear off swimming in the ocean at all.  Too many creepy, swimmy, biting things!

5. Touch a big, hairy spider like a tarantula or huntsman.  (SHUDDER!!!  Now I'm totally gonna have arachnid nightmares.)

6. Go to Antartica.  I can imagine a freezing ass cold place with a shitload of snow, no need to actually GO THERE.  Sheesh.

7. Attend another child's funeral.  Once was enough, I don't ever want to do that again.

8. See another Bush in the white house.  Unless it is a lower case b bush attached to a woman, that would be acceptable.

9. Run a marathon.  If running a bazillion miles floats your boat, more power to ya.  Me - I only run when chased.

10. Mow the lawn.  If this was my job we would live in the forest.  Or on a houseboat.  I. Don't. Mow. The. Lawn.  *ACHOO*

Blog Slut

I'm seeing another blog, we're hooking up today at his place.  *wink*

Check out my first attempt at guest blogging, hopefully I won't make too much of a fool out of myself.  The Odd Duck is a fellow college student and is so busy with life he is letting me help out, that tells you how Odd he really is.

Come on over and say hi...

Baseball is Back!

I've written about my love of baseball many times before.  For those of you who find baseball less interesting than watching paint dry, let me tell you my secret.

Find a favorite player.

When I was a kid going to Seattle Mariners games in the long gone Kingdome, sitting in the cheap seats eating peanuts with my Dad, my favorite player was Spike Owen.  Ostensibly, it was because his name was Spike - my Dad called me Spike - therefore we were two peas in a pod.  But really it was because I thought he was hot.  (Do you see why my children are evil?  I am paying for my own childhood.)  Sorry Mom and Dad, I apologize for everything.

So this year my favorite is Frankie Gutierrez.  And holy shit he is REALLY FUCKING HOT!!!  Um, as long as I ignore the fact that he is the same age as Scientist Genius Brother.  Almost ten years younger than me.  Dammit.

But c'mon, you gotta admit that he is one fine hunka manly-man.

Drool.  DROOL!

I tell you, with this strategy ANYONE can be a baseball fan.  I sure as hell won't be missing any Mariners games this season!  Those tight little baseball pants hug Frankie's gluteus maximus in all the right places...

Happy Easter!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The Ultimate Showdown

This is a little slice of humor that Thing 1 and Thing 2 found ages ago and I LOVE IT.  

I actually have the song on my iPod (apparently my little nerdlings come by their geekiness honestly) and while listening to it on my way home from class this afternoon it occurred to me that I hadn't shared it with all of YOU.

It is a little hard to explain so I'm just going to be super bossy and tell you to watch it.  The complete title is The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny by Neil Cicierega and I dare you not to laugh at the end when you find out who the Ultimate winner is!

Chick Lit Journal

This is a school assignment for a class I'm taking this quarter.  It's about "what is happening in the game and online space for girls - past, present, and future".  It's a fascinating class and the coolness of our instructor is demonstrated by the fact that we can record our weekly journal assignments ON OUR BLOGS!  How awesome is that?!  

That said, feel free to totally ignore this post unless you have magic powers to give me a grade for it.  But only a good grade, otherwise keep your powers to yourself.

Week 1:

I can't say that I have any deep or meaningful expectations for this class, I am just curious to find out more about the mysterious online world of gaming that my kids are becoming increasingly active in.  Things 1 & 2 play Runescape and are active on a Spore site, many of thei friends (all boys) play WoW but daughter's online presence (and that of her friends) is (as of now) limited to myspace, facebook and her blog.  She is a huge fantasy book fan but hasn't explored any of the fantasy games as of yet and I hope to get a better insight as to why that is in this class.

I'm also hoping to find a way to connect to the Things through gaming and online activities because that is what they are interested in so it will help me to interact and play with them at something they truly love.  They are always thrilled when I play a video game with them or a boardgame so I'm hoping this is another way we can have fun together and I can get to know them better in a fun way instead of just as Mom.

Week 2

Thinking about our class discussions about what is fun and what is a game really made me think.  I never thought out what these words meant to me and about what is different about a game vs. an activity.  One reason I have a hard time connecting with the twins about Dungeons & Dragons, Runescape, Spore or any of the gazillion video games they have is because I'm just not interested in the goal of these types of games.  It doesn't matter to me.  I enjoy board games and if I'm going to play a video-type game I like puzzles like bejeweled or zuma rather than Super Mario Bros.  But honestly, I just can't justify the huge amounts of time the games that they boys enjoy take.  I have so many responsibilities and things to take care of in my life that spending two hours a day on World of Warcraft sounds like a torture sentence.

It's ironic that I feel this way because I easily spend two hours a day - usually in the evening as I'm unwinding and getting ready to go to sleep - on the computer reading friends blogs, blogging and looking at goofy pictures and videos.  Somehow that is more fun to me than playing a game in an imaginary world.  I don't know why because I absolutely love to read and spend hours losing myself in the imaginary world of books...it seems contradictory.

Maybe in trying some of these different games I will be able to plug into my own personal sense of what is fun and understand the draw they have more completely.

Week 3

I really enjoyed the presentation Asta did on design.  I admit I had never thought of design being as all-encompassing as it is.  Like a lot of people, design makes me think of clothes and interior decorating.  But she really made me see how design is incorporated into all aspects of everything we do.  Not just how things look but how they feel and are used by people.

The whole user-experience and player-experience designer concept kind of blew my mind.  I'm not planning on going into the gaming industry but I can easily see how it can be applied to different careers including teaching.  If I can create lesson plans and think of not only what material is covered in them but also how they feel for the students and how the students experience them then I believe they will be much better lesson plans and the students will retain the material better.

I'm excited to apply the information Asta gave us to my own aspiration to be a teacher!

Week 4

Having Mark Boozer (ha!) speak to us about Bella Sarah and what has gone into creating the site was fascinating.  The different horse pictures were fun to critique and I was interested that he took some of the opinions from our class back to the "lab" so to speak.  

I'd never heard of intellectual property in this type of context before, I guess that I'd always thought of IP as music and books, things that are more tangible than just storylines or ideas.  This was really informative and I learned a lot about what IP really is and a little bit about how it works.  I'd like to learn even more and some reading about IP and the legalities would be fabulous.  As it is, I've googled around and am looking at some interesting stuff.

Does IP apply to blogs and original material written on blogs or because it is "out there" on the web is it under copyright laws or are they all the same thing?  I'd really like to know more about this.

Week 5

Working on the iPhone app has been a lot of fun.  Our group is fabulous and I'm learning a lot about creating something for other people instead of creating something for myself.  It seems to use a completely different part of my brain and feels like I'm exercising new brain muscles.  The app we're designing is not something I would ever use in a million years but when I talk to women about it (I'm the marketer) they all seem very excited and say that they would totally use it, enjoy it, and it would would be useful to their lives.

For this project, I'm also learning how important a Project Manager is and I see that a good (or bad) project manager could make or break project development and success in the real world.  We have a FABULOUS project manager for this assignment and the whole thing is going as smooth as clockwork.  My aunt is a project manager at Microsoft and I was always a little puzzled as to what that title meant but now I have a much firmer idea about what the title and job is.  I wish that all group projects assigned in all of my classes had to have a project manager because having one person coordinating all the duties and work makes things much easier to manage!

Week 6

Having a speaker come and talk to us about ARGs (Alternate Reality Games) was a huge eye-opener for me as I had never heard of this type of game before.  I had heard of "The Game" when it was profiled in Parade Magazine awhile back after one player was severely injured in a mine shaft somewhere outside of Las Vegas while playing but the entire make believe world, especially online is a whole new idea for me.

I really enjoyed looking around the website created for Rob Bell's book Jesus Wants to Save Christians and then exploring the "fake" evangelical Christian website created as part of the ARG to promote the book.  It seems so huge and complicated, I cannot even imagine trying to create such a thing.  Its almost like the seven headed hydra in that if you solve one thing then two or three more spring up in its place.  I think trying to create such a thing - or even play one - would be incredibly stressful for me but maybe playing as a group makes it a different type of experience than I imagine when I think of game playing.

The one thing that struck me about ARGs from this speaker was that they seem to be used exclusively as a marketing tool.  Given the huge expense of creating an ARG I can understand why this is but it would be great if a business model could be created so an ARG could be created and enjoyed by millions and still make money as an independent entity from a brand being marketed.

Week 7

This week we had an extremely interesting speaker who talked about transmedia storytelling, the distributed narrative and the HIVE mind.  Transmedia storytelling is telling a story through a variety of mediums such as text, websites, commercials, music and film.  This was presented in the framework of ARGs but he also had an interesting example of a book he created that also used transmedia to tell the narrative, or story of the protagonist.

I bought the book titled Cathy's Book as well as the two sequels for my daughter and she loved them.  It was fun to call the phone numbers and look at websites given in the book and get more of the story.  I just read the book and it was also good just like that.  But my daughter went further and then related to me what she found out.  The whole thing was very cool!

HIVE mind is also a weird phenomenon.  The speaker talked about creating these impossible puzzles that they thought would take weeks for people to solve and instead they were solved in a matter of a couple of hours because of HIVE mind.  The internet allows millions of people all over the world to interact instantly so when creating ARGS you have to assume that they have every single skill-set, every bit of knowledge and access to anywhere in the world.  Pay phones in Tibet were answered at the exact moment they rang because millions of people worked together to solve the puzzle and find out when and where the next call was.  The whole concept was fascinating.  He also told us about a website called a world without oil that uses the HIVE mind idea to solve the energy crisis.  I can see almost unlimited uses for HIVE mind if we can figure out how to motivate people to participate.

Week 8

Talking about narrative and what makes a good story during the exercise of Chess: The Movie made me think about why Pirates of the Caribbean was such a good movie.

Tyler talked about how games made from movies are usually bad because they're produced quickly and the story, or narrative, has been played out already in the movie so players don't have a new story to follow.  I wonder if Pirates of the Caribbean - a movie based on a ride at Disneyland - was such a big hit not only because it was a well made movie but because the original concept, the ride, didn't provide a narrative so it used the concept and ADDED the narrative.  I've learned in this class that good narrative can make or break a game so it seems logical that it can make or break a movie especially when it's based on something with no narrative at all.  They added backstory to the ride and made it better.

A weird little idea but it's been percolating in my head ever since that day of class.

Week 9

WoW Day 1:

Oh. My. God.  World of Warcraft is so far out of my comfort zone and skill sets that it makes me feel like I'm trying to write with my left hand (I'm right handed) when I play it.  It's really boring so far, I'm on a quest to get tough wolf meat so all I'm doing is running around killing wolves.  And I'm totally lost so once I get the 8 wolf meats I don't know where my quest giver guy is so I can return to him and complete my quest.  I can't figure out how to talk to people and the whole thing is making me crazy.

WoW Day 2:

Thank GOD for the twins, they're helping me figure this game out.  The map is a big help.  I don't know how they knew where it was, it must be gamer osmosis, but they did and I managed to finish my first quest.  I still can't chat and play at the same time but at least I know how to chat.  I've asked some NPC's questions but I must be doing something wrong because what they say to me has nothing to do with what I asked them.

WoW Day 3:

Ok, after seeing another player play a super high level character NOW I get why this game is so popular.  The flying around the world is amazing, it's just so beautiful.  I don't know how they've managed to create such a seamless experience but it is super cool!  I think the swimming underwater part was my favorite.  If I continue to play I would like to find the underwater pirate ship quests just so I could explore underwater more.

Week 10:

Our second group project of creating a game is so much fun.  I feel like we're using everything we've learned and applying it.  Our game is sort of a cross between an ARG and How to Host a Murder and it's an absolute blast coming up with all the different pieces to make it a fun game for girls 12-16.  I'm doing marketing and I think we're going to broaden our target markets age a little bit, perhaps to 10-16 but as I talk to girls in that age range I'm getting great feedback that this is a game they'd like to play.  They've all been disappointed that we aren't actually MAKING the game for them to play which has got to be a good sign for our concept!

Another Star in the Sky

Six and a half years ago our very dear friends lost their youngest child, their star, in a freak accident.  It was the worst day in the lives of all the people who knew and loved this special little boy and changed us all forever.  His two older brothers, my three kids, all of his cousins and friends - all children who shouldn't know about death and how life can be extinguished at any moment are older and wiser than their years because they have known death and loss.  His parents will forever be missing a piece of their soul, their heart, their life.

Now another family is experiencing the tragedy of losing a child and suffering that terrible grief, pain, disbelief, and anger.  They've asked for donations to the March of Dimes in their daughter's name, an organization that can perhaps help another family from suffering such a terrible loss.

It doesn't matter that you aren't as thin as you might like.

It doesn't matter that your house isn't clean.

It doesn't matter that your boss is giving you shit at work.

It doesn't matter that your car won't start and you don't have the money to fix it.

Your family and friends, the people you love - that is what matters.  Hug your kids, call your Grandmother, write a letter to a friend who is far away, call someone you miss and haven't talked to in awhile.  Take a deep breath and remind yourself of what - who - is really important.  Make sure they know how much they mean to you because you are not guaranteed of a future with them, you only have the present.  It is a gift, don't waste it.

Dream Kitchen

The Moggit Girls have done it again.  Check out my absolute DREAM KITCHEN.  (I've mentioned that I like wine right?)  Although I don't think there is quite enough room for wine.  I would replace the stove/oven combo with another wine fridge.  After all, cooking is for those who don't know how to order take out.

Sigh...

Baseball and Beer in Las Vegas

Doesn't that sound like a lot more fun than other things?

Husband and I had a MARVELOUS time visiting Dad and Stepmonster over the weekend.  Scientist Genius Brother flew in from Berkeley to join us at my insistence.  His ghostly pallor from working in his laboratory in the bowels of the chemistry building was making him look a little too much like a sparkly vampire.  Kid needs a TAN!

Saturday we went to see the Seattle Mariners play the Colorado Rockies for their last pre-season game at Cashman Field.  I *think* we lost 6-5 but due to the one or two margaritas I drank during the game that score may not be entirely accurate.

Tailgating in the parking lot before the game - Scientist Genius Brother, Stepmonster, Dad, Harley Davidson, the Perpetual Party Animal and me.

Scientist Genius Brother, Husband and the Perpetual Party Animal

Stepmonster and I.  With our margaritas.  Yummy!

Dad and Scientist Genius Brother at the post-game party at - where else - the Perpetual Party Animal's house!  He works with Dad and I am pretty sure that there is a party at his place every weekend.  At least there is every weekend that I've been in Vegas!

Before it got dark, Dad's estimating protoge and adopted son, Harley Davidson, gave me a ride on his Harley and HOLY SHIT it was AWESOME!  I'm pretty sure it is the closest thing to flying that I will ever get to do!  I am going to buy a motorcycle for Husband as soon as we get rid of, er...I mean, as soon as the kids move out.

It was a wonderful weekend and I can't wait to see everyone again!  Thanks y'all!

Postponing Life

What do you do when you know you have to move forward in your life but you don't really want to?  What is the easy thing to do instead of the right thing to do?  I don't mean easy as in not a lot of work but easy as in you've done it before and you know you can do it again.

School is hard.  The thought of going back to work after almost 15 years as a SAHM (puke - I hate that term!) is scary.  Can I do it?  Will I be any good at it?  Is it the best choice for my family?  When I got married and then had babies right away I knew what was best for all of us.  I couldn't make any money so staying at home with daughter and then the things was the natural and best choice for our family.  (Holy shit, I'm having TWINS?!?!  Are you SURE?  Ok, now shoot me please.)

When you unexpectedly start your family at 20, a career is not really an option.  Daycare and/or a Nanny would have cost more than I could have earned.  Working to lose money is not a very intelligent option, just FYI.  So I stayed home with the kids and learned to love a kid-centered life.  I had always loved babies and kids and being a Mom was the only thing I was POSITIVE I wanted in life so this wasn't a very tough choice.  Husband was super supportive and never once made me feel that staying home with the kids was less of a job than his - even when it was a hell of a lot easier.

Now going back to school and looking at a career I am suddenly apprehensive.  Scared.  Intimidated.  And that comes in the form of temporary insanity: Let's have another baby!  (Poor poor Husband, he is truly a saint in his own twisted way!)  Now let me be clear.  We are NOT going to have another baby.  I am just a few short years away from freedom and husband is looking down the barrel at 50 - this is NOT the time to have a baby.  I don't want to start over, the thought of baby-proofing our house makes me break out in a sweat and I don't dare imagine what kind of fucked up kid we would have with daughter and the things as much MUCH older siblings.  I am really enjoying teenagers (yup, I'm crazy) and being able to leave them at home with Grandmother while Husband and I go off to Vegas for the weekend.  Life is good.

Except holy SHIT I have to go back to work!  After all these years.  Can I do it?  Will anyone want to hire me?  What the HELL am I thinking?  So my completely fucked up subconscious thinks well then, HAVE ANOTHER BABY.  That will postpone all the scary stuff for a few more years.

I am so glad my subconscious is not as smart as I am.  I will beat that bitch down, finish my degree and start a kick-ass career that I KNOW I will be damn good at.

And if it doesn't work out, I'll adopt eleventy-five babies and some grandmothers who need families.  Because I am good at that.