School is hard. The thought of going back to work after almost 15 years as a SAHM (puke - I hate that term!) is scary. Can I do it? Will I be any good at it? Is it the best choice for my family? When I got married and then had babies right away I knew what was best for all of us. I couldn't make any money so staying at home with daughter and then the things was the natural and best choice for our family. (Holy shit, I'm having TWINS?!?! Are you SURE? Ok, now shoot me please.)
When you unexpectedly start your family at 20, a career is not really an option. Daycare and/or a Nanny would have cost more than I could have earned. Working to lose money is not a very intelligent option, just FYI. So I stayed home with the kids and learned to love a kid-centered life. I had always loved babies and kids and being a Mom was the only thing I was POSITIVE I wanted in life so this wasn't a very tough choice. Husband was super supportive and never once made me feel that staying home with the kids was less of a job than his - even when it was a hell of a lot easier.
Now going back to school and looking at a career I am suddenly apprehensive. Scared. Intimidated. And that comes in the form of temporary insanity: Let's have another baby! (Poor poor Husband, he is truly a saint in his own twisted way!) Now let me be clear. We are NOT going to have another baby. I am just a few short years away from freedom and husband is looking down the barrel at 50 - this is NOT the time to have a baby. I don't want to start over, the thought of baby-proofing our house makes me break out in a sweat and I don't dare imagine what kind of fucked up kid we would have with daughter and the things as much MUCH older siblings. I am really enjoying teenagers (yup, I'm crazy) and being able to leave them at home with Grandmother while Husband and I go off to Vegas for the weekend. Life is good.
Except holy SHIT I have to go back to work! After all these years. Can I do it? Will anyone want to hire me? What the HELL am I thinking? So my completely fucked up subconscious thinks well then, HAVE ANOTHER BABY. That will postpone all the scary stuff for a few more years.
I am so glad my subconscious is not as smart as I am. I will beat that bitch down, finish my degree and start a kick-ass career that I KNOW I will be damn good at.
And if it doesn't work out, I'll adopt eleventy-five babies and some grandmothers who need families. Because I am good at that.