Thursday, April 2, 2009

Postponing Life

What do you do when you know you have to move forward in your life but you don't really want to?  What is the easy thing to do instead of the right thing to do?  I don't mean easy as in not a lot of work but easy as in you've done it before and you know you can do it again.

School is hard.  The thought of going back to work after almost 15 years as a SAHM (puke - I hate that term!) is scary.  Can I do it?  Will I be any good at it?  Is it the best choice for my family?  When I got married and then had babies right away I knew what was best for all of us.  I couldn't make any money so staying at home with daughter and then the things was the natural and best choice for our family.  (Holy shit, I'm having TWINS?!?!  Are you SURE?  Ok, now shoot me please.)

When you unexpectedly start your family at 20, a career is not really an option.  Daycare and/or a Nanny would have cost more than I could have earned.  Working to lose money is not a very intelligent option, just FYI.  So I stayed home with the kids and learned to love a kid-centered life.  I had always loved babies and kids and being a Mom was the only thing I was POSITIVE I wanted in life so this wasn't a very tough choice.  Husband was super supportive and never once made me feel that staying home with the kids was less of a job than his - even when it was a hell of a lot easier.

Now going back to school and looking at a career I am suddenly apprehensive.  Scared.  Intimidated.  And that comes in the form of temporary insanity: Let's have another baby!  (Poor poor Husband, he is truly a saint in his own twisted way!)  Now let me be clear.  We are NOT going to have another baby.  I am just a few short years away from freedom and husband is looking down the barrel at 50 - this is NOT the time to have a baby.  I don't want to start over, the thought of baby-proofing our house makes me break out in a sweat and I don't dare imagine what kind of fucked up kid we would have with daughter and the things as much MUCH older siblings.  I am really enjoying teenagers (yup, I'm crazy) and being able to leave them at home with Grandmother while Husband and I go off to Vegas for the weekend.  Life is good.

Except holy SHIT I have to go back to work!  After all these years.  Can I do it?  Will anyone want to hire me?  What the HELL am I thinking?  So my completely fucked up subconscious thinks well then, HAVE ANOTHER BABY.  That will postpone all the scary stuff for a few more years.

I am so glad my subconscious is not as smart as I am.  I will beat that bitch down, finish my degree and start a kick-ass career that I KNOW I will be damn good at.

And if it doesn't work out, I'll adopt eleventy-five babies and some grandmothers who need families.  Because I am good at that.


ms. changes pants while driving said...

you are going to do FINE. it's like you're a teenager starting out after high school.

people are going to hire you. they are going to fall over themselves wanting to hire you. you'll be great at what you do. you're a teenager yourself, it's going to be awesome. you're going to be the cool teacher. it'll be like having 200 teenagers of your own. wait... you're going to be a high school teacher, right?

and, if it all goes to shit, i'll rent out your womb and you can grow a baby for me. give it back when it's potty-trained.

ms. changes pants while driving said...

ohmygod. what were you doing up before 6am??

Kate said...

Shoot. I've been working 20 plus years and I still question if I'm good at it.

I think what you're going through is normal and you will be A-Ok!

If not, wine helps. Trust me. :op

Kate said...

Oh, and what do I do when life goes on and I don't want to..

I whine.. or is it wine?
Actually a bit of both!

Shelly... said...

You are doing so good at school! And you will do GREAT at whatever career you choose. I know it's scary now but just keep plugging away and you will get there. And for the love of god if you want another kid get a PUPPY!

The Hotfessional said...


Christy said...

I sooooo relate to this post. So, so relate. I get you. I feel exactly the same way (about myself) except of course, for YOU I think, what the hell is wrong with her? Why would she be worried about not being able to do it? About nobody wanting to hire her? C-R-A-Z-Y! You are intelligent, you have so much to you're pretty...what more could they want?! :) I'm totally being retarded about the pretty part (well, I mean, you ARE pretty, but I wasn't trying to diminish the many, many, MANY other things you have to offer.) In short, you will be GREAT no matter what you do, now stop trying to sabotage yourself with you crazy sub-conscious thoughts! :)