Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Double Pregnancy Household of Hell

So have y'all seen the story about the Iron Chef Cat Cora and her wife Jennifer - both of whom are pregnant with their third and fourth children?

Now let me preface my totally unsolicited opinion by saying that I totally support the rights of gays to get married, have babies, adopt babies, foster babies and all of the other batshit crazy things that we straights have the right to do.  If they want to ruin their carefree, single, childless lives with spouses and short, demanding despots, who am I to stop them?  Proposition 8 in California is a hateful, bigoted piece of legislation and I hope it goes down in flames in either the California State Supreme Court or THE Supreme Court if the judges in California have their heads too far up their asses to see that it infringes on civil rights and is unconstitutional.

That said, can you IMAGINE living in a house with two pregnant women?

I was a raving, psycho bitch when I was pregnant.  Both times.  My entire body - not just my belly - swelled up like a hippopotamus, every joint in my body ached, I puked all day long and if I wasn't puking I wanted to.  My back hurt, my sciatic nerve cheerfully sent shooting pains down my legs in the middle of the night and my children were so active in utero that I was bruised internally from stem to stern. 

Let me just say that if you are the type of woman who cheerily tells pregnant women "You're pregnant?  What a blessing!  I never felt more wonderful, glowing and feminine than I did when I was pregnant.  I wish I could be pregnant all the time!" then DON'T TELL ME.  The last Gidget-impersonator who said that to me is permanently scarred from the encounter and I don't want to break another nail.

All of my lovely pregnancy induced discomfort, pain and hell made me a VERY crabby bitch.  I snarled at everyone, burst into tears at least three times a day and firmly felt that if I couldn't sleep then by GOD husband wasn't going to sleep because it's his fucking fault I feel like shit anyway so get the hell out of bed and go buy me some ice cream and I don't care that it's three o'clock in the morning!  Husband should have gotten a medal for putting up with me through two pregnancies.  Three beautiful, healthy children just wasn't enough of a reward for what I put him through.

So Cat Cora is pregnant, her wife is pregnant and they have a 22 month old and a 5 year old.  I don't know shit about Iron Chef but I assume it is a television show and I hope for Cat and her wife's sake that she makes a boatload of money at it because they are going to need to hire two slaves - one for each of them.  Otherwise who will go get them ice cream in the middle of the night?  Who will rub their feet?  Who will take care of their older kids because if they touch me or call MOMMY! one more time I will scream?

And then the babies will come!  Who will get them ice packs for their sore rears?  Who will get up and change the baby before bringing it to them in bed so they can rest and recover from pushing a watermelon out of their lady bits?  Who will bring them the box of tissues when they are sobbing their eyes out because THE KLEENEX *sob* COMMERCIAL IS *sob* JUST SO *sob* SWEET!  Who will call their Mom because one of them just wants her Mommy because holy fuck what was I thinking that I could have babies?

I wish Cat and Jennifer all the luck and money in the world, they are going to need it!  I think a top shelf liquor party would be the most appropriate for a baby shower.

8 comments:

ms. changes pants while driving said...

you WERE a raving, psycho bitch?

and you're pushing mel and i to have babies... oo-scray oo-yay.

ms. changes pants while driving said...

and we gotta think of a whore name for me. data whore?

ChiTown Girl said...

all I can say is "Wow!" Seriously, what ARE they gonna do? Poor things.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I cannot even get my mind around this scenario.

Jason, as himself said...

Amen! You said a mouthful.

Kate said...

However, they could be those type of women who love pregnancy and enjoy taking care of babies.

Like octomommy!

Or.. they will consume lots of margueritas and wine.

It's a win win situation. :op

C said...

Can you even SERIOUSLY imagine--TWO pregnant women in a relationship??! OMG! I think they need to make a pact that nothing they say or do will be held against either one of them for the forseeable prenatal and postnatal future. Yikes! I was a pregnant bitch too, by the way--totally relate. Miss you! :)

~Christy

*moggit girls said...

Yeah. That is just weird. On soooo many levels...

J&J