Translating Teenagese Part 2

If you haven't read it already, go read Translating Teenagese Part 1. Go on, I'll wait.

So Part 2 is less of a direct translation and more of an explanation of cultural differences between teenagers and their parents. You see, just as if you were to travel to Japan or Russia (assuming you are an American), interacting with teenagers requires some knowledge of their basic customs and cultural norms. If you do not familiarize yourself with the customs and cultural peculiarities of teenagers *before* your offspring become teenagers you are in danger of committing an unforgivable faux pas and your progeny will never EVER let you forget about WHAT. YOU. DID.

I am somewhat of an expert on committing cultural faux pas having given my Iranian Mother-in-Law the thumbs up sign, not realizing that in Iran 'thumbs up' means the same as giving someone the middle finger here in the states. As I'm sure you can imagine THAT went over like a lead balloon. I'm not the favorite daughter-in-law THAT'S for damn sure!

Anyway, this is a public service announcement to help all of you avoid my own mistakes committed just this morning with my culturally mysterious teenage daughter.

If you make what seems to you an innocuous comment such as:

Why don't you put your hair up like you did the other day?

Or...

How about wearing that cute green belt with that dress?

Or...

Why don't you do your eyeshadow with the purple like you did for the dance?

Your teenage daughter who is NOT from the same culture as you will only hear this:

You are a hideous cretin who should just put a bag over your face and spare other people the pain of looking upon your grotesque features/hair/makeup/outfit.

So #LFMF and do not make ANY comments about your teenage daughters appearance other than saying something to the effect of you look stunningly beautiful and I need my sunglasses to shield my eyes from such glorious beauty.

You're Welcome.

Budding Photographer

Daughter went on an all-day field trip to downtown Seattle on Friday (I mean ALL-DAY, they didn't get back until 6pm) with the art club to learn about and practice their photography skills. She got some really interesting pictures, here are my favorites.

This first one is a bit of well executed guerilla art a.k.a. graffiti. I used the 'gritty' and then 'boost' filters on Picnik on it and love the way it looks. This is the only one I messed with, the rest are just how she took them.

I think the next one is my absolute favorite. I love how the mirror image is in focus and the rest of what's around it is a little fuzzy.

Outside Safeco Field - it's almost baseball season again!

The kids thought this little addition to a sign on the side of a building was a hoot so they all got shots of it.

Daughter said this one is "Cops Behind Bars". Heh. I love my kid!

And the best part about this whole project is that she didn't lose or break my good camera. WIN!

"Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" (The Facebook Song)

This is not *new* but I just found it and almost pulled something laughing. It's Kate Miller-Heidke, my new hero.

States United

I've been doing it again. I tried to stop but the urge was just too much to ignore. Yes. You guessed it. I've been looking at porn again.

I tried to stop but the temptation was JUST. TOO. MUCH. You should thank me really, I found this beautiful print at Sweet Jessie's blog and just had to share it with you.

It's available on Etsy at Beauchamping's shop and I love it. T-shirt, print, whatever.

Excuse me while I go indulge my porn addiction some more.

Drool.

Baby Bash

I don't know about all of you, but in my world there is a baby BOOM! The next baby will arrive sometime in April and last weekend I threw a baby shower for my friend of 30+ years, Skinny Bitch.

I'm pretty sure there is something in the air so I've been making Husband sleep on the couch for 6 months JUST. IN. CASE.

This baby (A GIRL! WOOT!) is her second. She's doing the same thing my parents did and spacing the rugrats out by about nine years. Isn't she beautiful?

Since we've been friends since I was in third grade and she was in fifth, Grandmother is as much hers as she is mine and loves her very much.

The next pic is Marvelous Mom, Me, Skinny Bitch, and the Talker. Back before new jobs, full-time school and Spanish Teacher moving away we all used to get together and scrapbook. It was really just an excuse to hang out and talk, laughing our asses off the whole time but whatever. Now that I look at this picture again, we kind of look like a Wireless Cellphone commercial stairstepped shortest to tallest like this.

The Talker made the quilt Skinny Bitch is holding up in the picture below. I may have to sneak into Skinny Bitches house and steal it from her, it's so soft and cuddly! I tell you, the Talker can do ANYTHING. Installing tile, scrapbooking, sewing, painting, remodeling - all while raising three boys. Makes me tired just thinking about it!

And finally here we are. I can't believe that it's been more than 30 years since we met each other riding our bikes up and down the street we grew up on! I doubt there is anyone else who knows me as well as she does. We will be friends forever - someday we'll be two gray-haired old ladies in rocking chairs on a porch bossing our grandchildren around.

I love you bunches Row and cannot wait to meet my new niece! xoxo

Kids Don't Belong in the Hospital

We need some more prayers, get well vibes, tree-fairy good wishes - whatever you've got - sent to two sick kids.

Remember Spanish Teacher and her beautiful twin girls? One of the girls is home now with her family but the other one contracted viral pneumonia and was re-intubated a few days ago. She is on the mend but still on the ventilator. The girls turned four weeks old yesterday and she still hasn't gotten to go home to her family who is anxiously awaiting her arrival.

And my cousins five year old son is at Children's Hospital with bacterial meningitis, a strep infection in his bones that is baffling the infectious disease specialists and possible brain damage from the brain swelling that was so bad they performed surgery to put a shunt in his head. He will be in hospital for two to six MONTHS according to what the doctors know right now and needs all the help he can get. His parents are worried sick and they also have a nine month old baby to take care of.

It's so scary.

My Hero

Whoever made this is a rock star. Suck it Dodge.

Got the link from Avitable.

Hold Me

I've been very busy lately. No - not with homework, exams, laundry, and shoveling food into the Things as fast as possible (all of a sudden they are eating everything that isn't nailed down) - I've been busy gripping the dashboard of my car hard enough to leave dents. The PASSENGER side of the dashboard...

Daughter has her learner's permit.

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Being daughter's passenger is a surreal experience. I look at her - in the drivers seat - and all I can see is my pigtailed preschooler. Instead she is a young lady and learning to drive. How the hell did that happen? It's like being caught in The Parental Twilight Zone.

If we didn't live in mass transit no-mans-land I might have postponed enrolling her in drivers ed classes but between literary arts club, dance team, softball and art club I am DESPERATE for her to be able to get herself around without me. Being a taxi driver was never on my list of careers I desire.

The amount of money we had to shell out for the program is enough to show you how desperate I am. Holy FUCK is drivers ed expensive! WHT happened to $150 and .5 credits in school?

And adding to my list of things to do is the fact that she HATES driving with husband. I'm not sure why - maybe it's his habit of screaming like a little girl if she gets a wee bit too close to the center lane - but the lion's share of the practice hours has fallen to me. I am more patient than I ever thought possible. I've only grabbed the wheel once and haven't screamed at all! Aren't you proud of me?

Actually she is a very good driver and thank goodness she has not inherited my lead foot. In fact I have to remind her to maintain her speed at the speed limit pretty regularly. The drivers behind us get a little cranky if she's creeping along at 15mph in a 40mph zone.

Anyone wanna go for a ride?

This is What I'm Learning in College