Missed

Husband and I went to a wedding last night. It was beautiful and touching, like all weddings should be. When the bride walked up the aisle on the arm of her Grandfather and Mother I started to cry and I continued to fight back tears for the entire evening.

There was a little old lady at the buffet whose younger friend or relative was helping to get her food dished up. I had to walk away because it so reminded me of Nannie.

When the bride's Grandfather toasted the new couple I almost lost it completely.

All evening all I could think about was how sad I was that Nannie will not be here for my brother's wedding. She was so very proud of him, she really liked his best beloved, and would have been thrilled to see them say their vows to each other - to see him start off his new life with the woman he loves. Nannie loved Scientist Genius Brother so very much.

I know she will be with us in spirit but I am selfish, I want her there for real. I want her back. I miss her so so very much.

My heart hurts.

I Am

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

Reading this quote shook me up. I have spent years and years of juggling college with taking care of my home and family. During that time I took a year off of school because the boys needed me to be 100% available to them and, while I have never articulated it to myself or anyone else, school has always come second to what I need to take care of at home. Not in a my family comes first way - everyone I know feels that way - but in a 'I can quit school anytime because it is a hobby compared to taking care of things at home' sort of way. When people asked me what I did, my answer was always that I am a SAHM - although I hate that term and much prefer 'Home Executive' or 'Queen of my Domain'. My role as a student came second; "Oh yeah, I'm in school too."

But recently I was asked what I did and I answered "I'm a teacher". And immediately was overcome with sadness, or maybe more accurately, grief. My life has changed so much in the past year, changed in a deep, fundamental way, and my role has changed forever.

For almost fifteen years I cared for Grandmother. She also cared for me, especially at the beginning when my babies were small, but I took her shopping, to appointments, and at the end, made sure her medical needs were taken care of. Now she is gone and I spend a lot of time wandering around the house doing nothing while thinking about all the little things I miss doing for her.

Daughter getting her driver's license was another pivotal change for me, although I didn't realize it until a few days after the fact. She went to a friend's birthday party and came home without me having to drive her. She picked her brother up from tennis practice the next day because I was at work, learning more about being a teacher in the school I am student teaching at.

The boys do their own laundry, they took it over after Grandmother died without even asking me for help or to do it for them. She had done their laundry ever since they could remember; Thing 1 on Mondays and Thing 2 on Thursdays. As I watched Thing 2 fold his clothes the other day I had to go into my room because I started to cry thinking the completely ridiculous thought that he doesn't need me any more.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad my babies are growing up and becoming independent. After all, that is the whole goal of raising kids. And while I miss her desperately, I am glad that Grandmother is not in pain and suffering the indignities of old age anymore. But I need to allow myself to grieve the death of my old role, my identity as a SAHM, as I move ahead to my new identity as teacher, wife, and mother of increasingly independent teenagers - soon to be college students and adults.

I have floundered this summer, not getting a lot done and spending hours doing nothing but thinking about the past. Reading the quote from Anatole France made me realize what has been going on, one life has been dying as I prepare to step forward to my next life.

I am a teacher.

The Big Ass Party

After the Memorial Service at the church, everyone gathered back at our house for the Big Ass Party Nannie requested. I estimate we had 100 people at the house over the afternoon and evening so it was DEFINITELY big ass! We ate, drank, told funny stories about Nannie, drank some more, played a very funny game around the fire that was just a little bit too complicated for my slightly drunk self, and generally celebrated with friends and family. It was perfect.

Goodbye Nannie. We love you more than you can imagine.

The Memorial Service

We had a lovely service for Grandmother on Saturday. Years ago she had marked the hymns she wanted at her service in Marvelous Mom's hymnbook and we managed to get all of them in so it was full of music. The photo board showed just a tiny fraction of her adventures over 95 years of living life to the fullest...

And here are her boys with Marvelous Mom. They both got up and spoke, I was so proud of them. Grandmother would have been proud too.

And this is Husband with two of my cousins. It was such a gift to get to see them both since they live in different states.

Number 1 son is on the aisle (the one with hardly any gray hair as he is so fond of pointing out to Dad) and Number 2 son is next to him. Grandmother loved her sons more than anything else in the world and was never happier than when sitting in between the two of them.

Finally, no gathering for Grandmother would be complete without a baby. Here I am with another cousin's beautiful boy. We have lots of pictures of Grandmother holding him just a few short months ago and he has a little hat that she knitted for him...although his gigantic head is too big for it now.

The service and music were absolutely perfect, Nannie would have loved it - not least because she was the center of attention as my Dad pointed out. It was not easy, I cried as well as laughed, but am so glad we set aside this day to remember Nannie. She made sure our family bonds are strong and I will never cease to be thankful for that wonderful gift.

Feeling Lost

This mourning thing is so bizarre. I spend hours doing nothing but feel exhausted at the end of the day. School is next to impossible to care about...it doesn't feel important or meaningful anymore. When I have fun and temporarily forget that Nannie is dead, the remembering moment fills me with guilt for laughing and having fun.

All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep. Super productive no? Tomorrow is the end of daughter's spring break which means I have to get up in the morning, get dressed, go to my tutoring gig, take her to dance practice, supervise the work being done in our yard, etc. etc. Normal life is resuming. But I can't bring myself to care very much about it. It's a detached feeling, like I'm watching someone else's life.

I hope it gets better over time, this is no way to live.

This is something we found in Nannie's papers. She liked it so much she copied it down in her beautiful handwriting. Such a beautiful sentiment. And she was needed by so many people, not only one.

A New Normal

Several years ago we planted a tree in our yard in memory of a sweet little boy who died in a tragic accident. Shortly afterwards, Grandmother and I were in the car when she turned to me and asked - completely out of the blue - what kind of tree I would plant for her after she died?

The answer was instant, immediate, and LEAPT out of my mouth before I could stop it...

"A crabapple tree of course!"

Lucky for me she was in a good mood that day or my name would have been MUD. I inherited her phenomenal lack of tack and Nannie's Crabapple Tree has been a staple in our collection of family jokes ever since. Look what Scientist Genius Brother and I found at the hardware store the other day, right in front of us where we couldn't possibly miss it:

I'm choosing to believe that she had a good laugh right along with the two of us when we came across it.

After Dad and Stepmonster left, Scientist Genius Brother stayed with me for a week and helped me shop. As you can see, shopping is a favorite activity of his, especially in home stores that sell comfy chairs...

We met up with my awesome cousin, his wife, and their adorable baby...there is nothing like baby love to heal broken hearts.

And we let Daughter convince us to get her some sweats at Victoria's Secret...the pink umbrella they threw in is very cute...

Scientist Genius Brother left yesterday so now Daughter and I are on our own for two more weeks - Husband and the Things get home on April 17th. There is still some paperwork to complete but most of the detail stuff is done. We've decided to have a memorial service and her request - a "big ass party", that's a direct quote - in June so the maximum number of out of towners can make plans to attend. I'm exceedingly grateful that we don't have to completely empty out Grandmother's little apartment - it will be a guest area in our home now. But it seems so very lonely. The atmosphere is completely different in the entire house. I sometimes go into her bedroom to talk to her, it's nice to have a place where I still feel her presence.

When my guys get back we will begin finding the new normal for our now smaller family. We will laugh and cry and remember. We will move ahead with our plans and lives, exactly what Nannie wanted us all to do.

Anyone want a crabapple?

Nannie

Beloved Mother and Grandmother

December 2, 1915 - March 25, 2011

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." ~Agnes Repplier

Thank you for always laughing with us and loving us.

Grandmother with Things 1 & 2 - 1996

With Scientist Genius Brother and Daredevil Cousin, December 31, 1993

With me, 1974

With me, 1978

We love you always Nannie.

Remembering

"What guides us is children’s response, their joy in learning to dance, to sing, to live together. It should be a guide to the whole world."
~Yehudi Menuhin

Today I am remembering a beautiful sunny little boy who danced and sang and loved without reservation. I will find screaming yellow flowers and a fuzzy little caterpillar and enjoy the simple things in life.

Another Star in the Sky

Six and a half years ago our very dear friends lost their youngest child, their star, in a freak accident.  It was the worst day in the lives of all the people who knew and loved this special little boy and changed us all forever.  His two older brothers, my three kids, all of his cousins and friends - all children who shouldn't know about death and how life can be extinguished at any moment are older and wiser than their years because they have known death and loss.  His parents will forever be missing a piece of their soul, their heart, their life.

Now another family is experiencing the tragedy of losing a child and suffering that terrible grief, pain, disbelief, and anger.  They've asked for donations to the March of Dimes in their daughter's name, an organization that can perhaps help another family from suffering such a terrible loss.

It doesn't matter that you aren't as thin as you might like.

It doesn't matter that your house isn't clean.

It doesn't matter that your boss is giving you shit at work.

It doesn't matter that your car won't start and you don't have the money to fix it.

Your family and friends, the people you love - that is what matters.  Hug your kids, call your Grandmother, write a letter to a friend who is far away, call someone you miss and haven't talked to in awhile.  Take a deep breath and remind yourself of what - who - is really important.  Make sure they know how much they mean to you because you are not guaranteed of a future with them, you only have the present.  It is a gift, don't waste it.