Missed

Husband and I went to a wedding last night. It was beautiful and touching, like all weddings should be. When the bride walked up the aisle on the arm of her Grandfather and Mother I started to cry and I continued to fight back tears for the entire evening.

There was a little old lady at the buffet whose younger friend or relative was helping to get her food dished up. I had to walk away because it so reminded me of Nannie.

When the bride's Grandfather toasted the new couple I almost lost it completely.

All evening all I could think about was how sad I was that Nannie will not be here for my brother's wedding. She was so very proud of him, she really liked his best beloved, and would have been thrilled to see them say their vows to each other - to see him start off his new life with the woman he loves. Nannie loved Scientist Genius Brother so very much.

I know she will be with us in spirit but I am selfish, I want her there for real. I want her back. I miss her so so very much.

My heart hurts.

I Am

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

Reading this quote shook me up. I have spent years and years of juggling college with taking care of my home and family. During that time I took a year off of school because the boys needed me to be 100% available to them and, while I have never articulated it to myself or anyone else, school has always come second to what I need to take care of at home. Not in a my family comes first way - everyone I know feels that way - but in a 'I can quit school anytime because it is a hobby compared to taking care of things at home' sort of way. When people asked me what I did, my answer was always that I am a SAHM - although I hate that term and much prefer 'Home Executive' or 'Queen of my Domain'. My role as a student came second; "Oh yeah, I'm in school too."

But recently I was asked what I did and I answered "I'm a teacher". And immediately was overcome with sadness, or maybe more accurately, grief. My life has changed so much in the past year, changed in a deep, fundamental way, and my role has changed forever.

For almost fifteen years I cared for Grandmother. She also cared for me, especially at the beginning when my babies were small, but I took her shopping, to appointments, and at the end, made sure her medical needs were taken care of. Now she is gone and I spend a lot of time wandering around the house doing nothing while thinking about all the little things I miss doing for her.

Daughter getting her driver's license was another pivotal change for me, although I didn't realize it until a few days after the fact. She went to a friend's birthday party and came home without me having to drive her. She picked her brother up from tennis practice the next day because I was at work, learning more about being a teacher in the school I am student teaching at.

The boys do their own laundry, they took it over after Grandmother died without even asking me for help or to do it for them. She had done their laundry ever since they could remember; Thing 1 on Mondays and Thing 2 on Thursdays. As I watched Thing 2 fold his clothes the other day I had to go into my room because I started to cry thinking the completely ridiculous thought that he doesn't need me any more.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad my babies are growing up and becoming independent. After all, that is the whole goal of raising kids. And while I miss her desperately, I am glad that Grandmother is not in pain and suffering the indignities of old age anymore. But I need to allow myself to grieve the death of my old role, my identity as a SAHM, as I move ahead to my new identity as teacher, wife, and mother of increasingly independent teenagers - soon to be college students and adults.

I have floundered this summer, not getting a lot done and spending hours doing nothing but thinking about the past. Reading the quote from Anatole France made me realize what has been going on, one life has been dying as I prepare to step forward to my next life.

I am a teacher.

Gratuitous Whining

Getting back into the swing of reality after a trip of a lifetime is a drag.

I know, shut up Katy, what a first-world problem to have. May you all have such a problem to deal with someday.

Thing 1 has decided to swap band for tennis, Thing 2 is taking driver's ed classes, and daughter has a bazillion dance classes/practices every week. Next week is going to be especially exciting because it is the infamous BAND CAMP WEEK.

Not THAT kind of band camp. You pervs. The kind of band camp where the marching band, dance and flag teams practice for 6-8 hours a day (I hear it's more like 12 in college) for a week in preparation for football season and, in the case of our high school, the parade they march in that kicks off the state fair in our city. So even though Thing 1 isn't in band, daughter is on the dance team and has practice every day next week. Thing 1 has tennis practice every morning next week and Thing 2 has drivers ed class every day next week. And I have 2 full days of workshops and seminars to get ready for student teaching.

But on the plus side, daughter WILL pass her drivers test tomorrow at 11am Pacific Time (cross all your fingers and toes for us will ya?) so she WILL be able to get herself and her brother to practices. Husband is gonna have to pick up the slack on the two days I'm learning about student teaching, I just have to tell him.

And after school starts we will be juggling two different district calendars - the district where I'll be student teaching and the district where the kids go to school - as well as all the kids extracurricular activities and my twice-weekly evening classes. Ugh.

But my student teaching is only for seven months. I can do anything for seven months.

I hope.

More Australia Pictures

I took an insane amount of pictures on our trip (not as many as Marvelous Mom did though!) and looking through them I'm so glad I did. Even though the big camera is kind of a pain in the ass to carry around everywhere. These are just a few of my favorites.

Here is SGB's Best Beloved and I on the beach. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding - I was completely gobsmacked! She is a lovely person inside and out and I am thrilled that I get to be a part of her and SGB's special day. A sister! I get a sister!!!

Twelve Apostles - the pictures don't even begin to do justice to the beauty and power of the ocean beaches.

Rainbows were a constant theme of the trip. I saw more rainbows in the three weeks we were there than I have seen in the entire rest of my life. I'm choosing to believe that Nannie was watching over us and that the rainbows were messages from her. This picture was taken off the deck of Best Beloved's family holiday house in Rye. Gorgeous!

Another rainbow over the ocean beach.

And finally the two reasons we went so far away, Scientist Genius Brother and his Best Beloved. It was so awesome to spend time with them and see how happy they both are. Her family welcomed him and us with open arms and I can't wait to go back for the wedding. Sightseeing was fun but the real treat was spending time with the best brother in the world, his Best Beloved, and her family. I am so proud of him I could burst!

Port Macquarie

The weather was hideous but the company was wonderful.

Totally insane crazy lunatics surfing. It *might* have been 50 degrees and was definitely pouring with rain and super windy.

Me and the very best brother in the world.

SGB and his Best Beloved in front of a very cute church in town. They were having services as it was Sunday so we had to sneak around very quietly taking pictures.

Melbourne Day One

Having a spectacular time!!!

Marvelous Mom, SGB, and I in downtown Melbourne along the banks of the Yarra River.

These alleys turned shopping areas are called Arcades and are the coolest little places to explore.

Scientist Genius Brother and his Best Beloved in front of the stadium where we saw my first Australian Football "footy" game.

SGB and I at the game.

The 'thighlights' were spectacular. Heh.

Australia Here I Come

Marvelous Mom and I begin our Big Australian Adventure tomorrow. We get to fly for 3 hours from Seattle to LA, breathe smog for two hours, and then sit on a plane for another 14-15 hours from LA to Melbourne. It doesn't look so bad on the map, hardly even a few inches.

What I wouldn't give for Star Trek transporter technology right about now.

Our first weekend in Melbourne we will be going to an Australian rules Football game. From what I can tell it is a cross between rugby, quidditch, and fight club...I can't wait! And by 'we' I mean Scientist Genius Brother, Best Beloved's Brother, Dad, and I. Marvelous Mom would rather have a root canal than attend a sporting event. Party pooper.

We will also be talking about wedding plans, getting to know Scientist Genius Brother's Best Beloved and her family, and stalking koalas. (I am gonna pet/hold/get bitten by a koala if it is the last thing I do.)

For our second weekend we will fly to Port Macquarie (see map below) where almost all of our Aussie rellies will join us for a reunion of sorts. I have only met two of Grandmother's nephews and none of their extended families so it will be absolutely lovely to get to spend time with people who were so important to her and who I have been hearing stories about all of my life.

Then we will be accompanying one nephew (is my Grandmother's nephew my first cousin once removed or my second cousin?) and his wife on a train trip to Sydney. This will be my third train ride ever and a great way to see a tiny bit of the country. After five days in Sydney, some of which we will spend with Stepdan's niece and her Hottie Husband, we will fly back to Melbourne and enjoy the rest of our time with SGB, his Best Beloved, and her lovely family.

Marvelous Mom is a wee bit nervous about the flight but never fear, I have Xanax to slip in her drinks so she will be just fine. Heh. Just kidding.

I can't wait to post a picture of a spider the size of a dinner plate for y'all to see. Muhahahaha....

The Big Ass Party

After the Memorial Service at the church, everyone gathered back at our house for the Big Ass Party Nannie requested. I estimate we had 100 people at the house over the afternoon and evening so it was DEFINITELY big ass! We ate, drank, told funny stories about Nannie, drank some more, played a very funny game around the fire that was just a little bit too complicated for my slightly drunk self, and generally celebrated with friends and family. It was perfect.

Goodbye Nannie. We love you more than you can imagine.

The Memorial Service

We had a lovely service for Grandmother on Saturday. Years ago she had marked the hymns she wanted at her service in Marvelous Mom's hymnbook and we managed to get all of them in so it was full of music. The photo board showed just a tiny fraction of her adventures over 95 years of living life to the fullest...

And here are her boys with Marvelous Mom. They both got up and spoke, I was so proud of them. Grandmother would have been proud too.

And this is Husband with two of my cousins. It was such a gift to get to see them both since they live in different states.

Number 1 son is on the aisle (the one with hardly any gray hair as he is so fond of pointing out to Dad) and Number 2 son is next to him. Grandmother loved her sons more than anything else in the world and was never happier than when sitting in between the two of them.

Finally, no gathering for Grandmother would be complete without a baby. Here I am with another cousin's beautiful boy. We have lots of pictures of Grandmother holding him just a few short months ago and he has a little hat that she knitted for him...although his gigantic head is too big for it now.

The service and music were absolutely perfect, Nannie would have loved it - not least because she was the center of attention as my Dad pointed out. It was not easy, I cried as well as laughed, but am so glad we set aside this day to remember Nannie. She made sure our family bonds are strong and I will never cease to be thankful for that wonderful gift.

What A Year

If someone had told me what a roller coaster the past nine months would be I don't know that I would have gone ahead with grad school on top of it all. This cake that a classmates wife made for our end of the year grad school cohort party made (representing a sick inside joke :) is pretty much how I feel right now...

Roadkill baby.

But I survived the twins first year of high school, my first year of grad school, daughter driving, losing Nannie, sending my babies to the other side of the planet, and having a bloody obnoxious puppy. Phew.

Grade report - 4.0 in all three of my classes for spring quarter. Even though I know that grades don't matter in grad school, it is impossible for me to not work my ass off in search of a perfect grade. It may not matter to anyone else but it matters to me. And, I'm guessing, my parents. They're always really happy to hear that I did well in school. It makes up for all the slacking I did in high school. Heh.

My summer is going to be busy but FUN! Next year will be even crazier than this year has been so I intend to make the most out of the next three months. Saturday our friends and family are gathering to celebrate Nannie's life...I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it. I still burst into tears at weird times and haven't begun to work thru all my feelings about losing her but it will be nice to hear everyone's memories and stories about her. Family is coming from all over, including her Canadian nephews who we don't see very often and it will be a wonderful party to say goodbye to an amazing woman.

July is my travel month. I get six days of doing NOTHING while visiting Dad and Stepmonster in Vegas with BFF Cousin and then three and a half weeks dodging Sharks With Frickin' Lasers in Australia with Marvelous Mom.

August will be a blur of drivers ed classes for Thing 2, band camp for daughter and the dance team, parades, 2 days of student teaching seminars, sunshine (I hope) and training the damn puppy so I don't have to kill him.

Life marches on.

Iran Trip Part I: by Thing 2

Hey folks, Thing 2 here. We just got back from Iran! And by "just" I do not mean "just," as it was just a few weeks ago, so saying "just" would just be unjust, and saying so would do me no justice and be just plain unjustified. I'm just sayin'.

You know what's a really stupid name for a movement? Antidisestablishmentarianism. Why not just call yourselves the "Double Negativists," or "The We Failed English Classists?" Cut out the middle man! Stop foolin' around and admit who you really are!

*ahem*

Anyway, Iran. It was an enlightening experience. I can't type out all of my thoughts on Iran in one go, because my brain is faster than my tongue, and my tongue is faster than my fingers. Hey-o!

Here you can see a really old bathroom of a really old castle from the 1700s. The echo was absolutely unbelievable; I couldn't understand what I or anyone was saying! I tried to say,

"These pillars have really intricate patterns on them."

but what I ended up saying was,

"THROOMWORKRWXPPLLGARMNOOBBODMPADMPTRAKLZPNTTRAAGFSMDRM!"

"Buddy, are those your kids over there?"

"Yeah."

"Are they speaking English?"

"Yeah."

"Are they American?"

"They're Iranian-American kids."

"Wow! As a tour guide, I think that I'll drop everything I'm doing in my busy schedule and whatnot and give them a personal tour, free of charge!"

"Gee, thank you, sir!"

"Do they speak Farsi?"

"No, they never bothered t-"

"You must be a terrible father. Shame on you! Here, be my translator."

We climbed a whole mountain, and got a beautiful view of the Tehran smogscape!

Come, my children! Have you your jackets and water bottles and ovaloid chunks of flatbread? We shall take the fight to the mountains!

Whoever heard about the Western tradition of throwing coins into fountains must have translated it as throwing money into fountains. We saw in fountains golden coins, silvery coins, and...paper bills. Yes. Actual, real people decided that it was a good idea to

Throw.

Paper.

Money.

Into a fountain.

Wait, that's not the best part! Here's the kicker: At the end of one fountain, we saw resting at the bottom of the pool, rendered almost invisible by the obscuring effect of the wind blowing across the water...

A CREDIT CARD.

Pardon my Sanskrit, but WHO THE HECK DOES THAT?!? Did some obscenely wealthy international fatcat stop by and say, "Gosh, I really need good luck on the next shareholder's meeting. I know! Here, have a freshly-picked Visa from my personal money tree!"

I mean, that's just silly.

Travel Travel Travel

So y'all remember this?

Well I am taking the plunge and risking life and limb to visit the land of SHARKS WITH FRICKIN' LASERS!!! Marvelous Mom and I have decided to just do it...take the plunge and spend 2-3 weeks in between CONVICTS and GIANT SPIDERS with Scientist Genius Brother, his fabulous girlfriend and her family. It will be winter there...damn backwards/upside-down weather...but it will also be Australian Rules Football season. Think hockey, with no pads, no ice, and hot Aussie guys. I am TOTALLY gonna go to as many games as I can. Awesome Girlfriend's family are Carlton Blues fans - all except for her brother who is a Bombers fan. I don't know which team is the bombers but their scarves are red and they are the arch enemies of the Carlton Blues. I'm gonna go for the Blues because I want to stay in good standing with Awesome Girlfriend's father...do NOT get in between an Australian and his football club!

My other goal, besides getting to know Awesome Girlfriend's family, is to pet a kangaroo. Daughter has been lording it over me for two years that she got to pet kangaroos and I didn't, finally I will get to even it out. I'd really like to hold a Koala baby too but that might be too much to ask. (Daughter's favorite fact is that Koalas have butt-plates. She's not really my kid.)

Now I just have to break the news to Husband that I'm fleeing the continent in July. Oh. Wait. He OWES ME. Heh.

A New Normal

Several years ago we planted a tree in our yard in memory of a sweet little boy who died in a tragic accident. Shortly afterwards, Grandmother and I were in the car when she turned to me and asked - completely out of the blue - what kind of tree I would plant for her after she died?

The answer was instant, immediate, and LEAPT out of my mouth before I could stop it...

"A crabapple tree of course!"

Lucky for me she was in a good mood that day or my name would have been MUD. I inherited her phenomenal lack of tack and Nannie's Crabapple Tree has been a staple in our collection of family jokes ever since. Look what Scientist Genius Brother and I found at the hardware store the other day, right in front of us where we couldn't possibly miss it:

I'm choosing to believe that she had a good laugh right along with the two of us when we came across it.

After Dad and Stepmonster left, Scientist Genius Brother stayed with me for a week and helped me shop. As you can see, shopping is a favorite activity of his, especially in home stores that sell comfy chairs...

We met up with my awesome cousin, his wife, and their adorable baby...there is nothing like baby love to heal broken hearts.

And we let Daughter convince us to get her some sweats at Victoria's Secret...the pink umbrella they threw in is very cute...

Scientist Genius Brother left yesterday so now Daughter and I are on our own for two more weeks - Husband and the Things get home on April 17th. There is still some paperwork to complete but most of the detail stuff is done. We've decided to have a memorial service and her request - a "big ass party", that's a direct quote - in June so the maximum number of out of towners can make plans to attend. I'm exceedingly grateful that we don't have to completely empty out Grandmother's little apartment - it will be a guest area in our home now. But it seems so very lonely. The atmosphere is completely different in the entire house. I sometimes go into her bedroom to talk to her, it's nice to have a place where I still feel her presence.

When my guys get back we will begin finding the new normal for our now smaller family. We will laugh and cry and remember. We will move ahead with our plans and lives, exactly what Nannie wanted us all to do.

Anyone want a crabapple?

Nannie

Beloved Mother and Grandmother

December 2, 1915 - March 25, 2011

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." ~Agnes Repplier

Thank you for always laughing with us and loving us.

Grandmother with Things 1 & 2 - 1996

With Scientist Genius Brother and Daredevil Cousin, December 31, 1993

With me, 1974

With me, 1978

We love you always Nannie.

In Like a Lion

So far March has been a hell of a month. I'm hoping since it's come in like a lion, it will cooperate and go out like a lamb. On the first Grandmother had a very small stroke which caused weakness in her right hand and wrist. On the third Thing 1 had to call 911 - I was at school and Husband was still at work - for her and she was rushed to the hospital with pneumonia, another infection, two squashed discs in her back, severe anemia, and massive dehydration.

I'm still baffled about the pneumonia, not once did I hear her cough. Its something I am pretty vigilant about paying attention to because pneumonia is so common - and deadly - in elderly people.

We almost lost her - she spent three days in intensive care - but the woman is amazing! Ninety five and she is now in a rehabilitation facility getting physical and occupational therapy every day and hoping to come home in a week or two.

Husband and the Things leave on March 24th for Iran so the next week and a half will be spent in a mad packing frenzy. Good thing I'm on spring break until the end of the month!

Here's hoping April will be a better month, I'm beat.

The Things Turn Has Come

So remember when I put my 15 year old daughter on a plane to the other side of the world where there are SHARKS with FRICKIN' LASERS? Well now it is the boys turn to get as far away from their Mother as they can. (They'll still be stuck with their father however, Husband is going too.) On March 24th all three of my guys will be leaving for a three week trip to Iran!

In honor of their first trip abroad, and just to entertain myself, I made my own version of the Sharks with Frickin' Lasers map but Iran instead of Australia. It's not as funny but it makes me giggle.

As you can see from the map (heh), Husband's immediate family is in Tehran. But they will be traveling to other cities - probably Esfahan, Shiraz, and maybe Hamadan. The Things are excited beyond belief and so is Husband's family! Their youngest cousin there is a boy exactly their age and we're hoping they'll be able to go to school with him for a day so they can see what school is like there. There are four other first cousins, all about high school/early college age, as well as tons of extended family who will all be anxious to finally meet them.

I'm excited for them and not nearly as nervous as I was when Daughter went to the land down under. But the Persians better not decide to join their Egyptian neighbors in mass protests and revolution while they're there!

Hanging At Home

I realized I need to make time to blog because it gives me a much-needed break from all the academic writing I do for school and it is just fun! Everyone needs a hobby no matter how busy and this is mine. So. Marvelous Mom came over yesterday just because she was missing her kids. Daughter didn't get to visit with her but they have a lunch date next Sunday. But the boys were thrilled to have a willing participant for their game The Settlers of Catan. I haven't played it yet but I am going to - Marvelous Mom assures me that it's not nearly as complicated as some of the games they like. (Risk sucks donkey balls IMO.) My kids may never realize how lucky they are to have such a fabulous Nana but I sure do!!!

Puppy has survived the trauma of having his name changed - he was just too bossy and rowdy to be a sweet little "Peepers". He is a CHARLIE. And he isn't Grandmother's puppy, she will look after him while I'm gone for school during the day but is bound and determined not to get attached. "I don't even buy green bananas for God's sake Katy, I can't get attached to another dog!" (Stubborn old bat.) So while I am his favorite person, we have decided he is really Penny's puppy. Check out these pictures. Most adorable thing EVAH!!!

They are super good buddies and as soon as the little shit learns to go up and down the stairs so he can go to the door and let me know he has to pee, they can keep each other company while I'm at school.

I know he is big enough to go up and down the stairs now. (Such a big boy, weighs FIVE WHOLE POUNDS! LOL) But I haven't been able to convince HIM that he can do it. We spent half an hour on the stairs Saturday. I was armed with super yummy meat treats and lured him up one at a time. He got up three. Three stairs in half and hour. Gah. Having a tiny dog is a whole different set of training challenges from a goofy golden retriever puppy!