OMG, I'm So Not Ready

In looking at the calendar today and trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done between now and Christmas I realized that daughter leaves for Australia in THREE AND A HALF WEEKS!

This trip has been in the works for ages so I don't have the excuse of not knowing ahead of time but it was like "oh Christmas, well that's a LOOOONG time away yet". Except now - it's not.

I have to shop for gifts, make sure she has everything she needs, square it away with her teachers, and have a meltdown about letting my baby go to the other side of the world without me and I have to do it all in THREE AND A HALF WEEKS!

Where's a paper bag - I'm pretty sure that hyperventilating comes next.

My Laminated List

According to Urban Dictionary, a laminated list is "a list of the top 5 people, usually celebrities, with whom you could have sex with without repercussions, if the opportunity arose, regardless of whether you were in a relationship or not". I think it originated with the television show Friends but that might be my imagination.

My list is a little odd according to SOME people but what can I say, I like old bald guys. (And besides, she's got the hots for Horatio Hornblower which is proof positive that she isn't in her right mind.)

First up is Johnny Depp who is on the laminated list of every heterosexual woman in the known universe. I fell in love with him in 1987 when, at the age of 13, I first saw him on the television show "21 Jump Street". I'm pretty sure that's the day my hormones kicked in. (Apologies to my parents for TMI.)

But c'mon, he is hotness personified. Droooool... And STFU about the fact that he's smoking. His shirt is off and that's all that matters.

Next is another popular actor, but with a caveat. I LOVE Orlando Bloom and would gladly sacrifice my marriage vows to him (back off, Husband can have Angelina Jolie with my blessing anytime she wants him) but he has GOT TO have pointed ears and long, blonde, straight hair and a quiver full of arrows on his back. He's hottest when he's Legolas from LOTR. Sigh...

The next one pretty much explains why I married husband. I mean check out the pic below and then check out the first picture in this post - I love Omar Sharif so much I married a guy that looks just like him!

I have endured several lifetimes worth of CRAP about the next person on my list but no matter, he is GOD as far as I'm concerned and the fact that he is a misogynistic pig and probably couldn't get it up with a barrel-ful of viagra does not change the fact that I've been in lust with him ever since I can remember. (At least he's still alive - unlike Omar up there.)

Sean Connery...

And last but certainly not least is Captain Picard. Er, I mean Patrick Stewart. Obviously I have a problem - Old and Bald is my fetish - but there is something about "Warp Speed Number One" in his silky accented voice that makes me weak in the knees and has for quite a few years now.

So there you go. Who's on your laminated list?

Business Cards

I realize that it is completely juvenile and idiotic but I have ALWAYS wanted business cards. They're just so grownup and, well, businesslike! None of my jobs (office assistant, house slave to three children, geriatric nurse, personal assistant and laundry folder for husband, volunteer sucker and student) have been the kind of jobs that I might get business cards for.

So I've decided to take the bull by the horns (or balls, I think that would be more effective) and order my own business cards. What do you think? This template came from Zazzle. I was gobsmacked at how many results come up when I googled "ridiculous business cards"!

Or should I change the "weird magnet" image to this one? I am NOT a Garfield fan but the sentiment seems appropriate...

This one is so accurate it's slightly alarming - like looking in a mirror - check out the bags under her eyes! If I picked it I would want extra points for honesty...

Or how about this? The spinning head and inability to pick which task to attend to first is a situation I have close, personal, intimate experience with...

So which one should I go with? Or I could Halloween-ize a photo of myself if I want to go for a business card that ensures I will never ever get called or emailed by anyone I give it to! That would be an anti-business card, I could give it to people who want me to volunteer for anything!

A twitter picture stolen from a tweet from one of the eleventy-zillion porn-spammers on twitter would be perfect for anything related to the kids being in trouble. I can imagine it now...

"My child punched/bit/threw up on/stole from/swore at your child? I am SO SORRY! Here is my business card, please call me at your convenience so we can discuss it. The phone call will cost you $5.00 a minute..."

Anti-business cards, now maybe that would be the way to go...

Just edited for a spelling error that daughter pointed out. I knew I had kids for a reason.

For My Fellow Sufferers

This one is for all of you that share my pain in having to get a teenager out of bed in the morning to go to school.

Luann by Greg Evans

Words

I know I've been incredibly lazy about blogging lately but the fact is I am using up all the words in my head for schoolwork and when I get to do my fun stuff like fuck around on the internet, I have no words left to write so I just read other people's words. Or make stupid photo versions of my children. They REALLY love that.

Senior year - so far - is about a gajillion times harder than my first three years of school. I'm not sure if it's because I took the summer off and blocked my memories of how difficult school is or if it really is that much harder or I'm just getting stupid in my old age. (It's amazing how old 35 feels when you're in class with 18 and 19 year olds!)

I am working on some fascinating topics though and am considering writing a thesis about how Malcolm X and Nat Turner are linked philosophically. (75 pages minimum, what the HELL am I thinking?!?!) A proposal I wrote about it is where all the words in the picture above came from. Those are the kind of words that I'm using these days. Another class has us examining the Western genre in literature and film and how it reflects larger issues and claims about popular genres overall. (Go watch the 1952 film "High Noon" with Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly, avoid like the plague the film "Shane" with Alan Ladd but definitely read the novel by Jack Schaefer!) My third class is all about social research and is not difficult except that the material doesn't interest me one bit and I don't have a scientific mind so following the logic is not always easy for me. Luckily the professor is awesome so I won't fail miserably!

When I find more words, y'all will be the first to find out!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Be spooky, be scary and be safe

From Whateverkaty, Husband, Daughter, Thing One and Thing Two!

Evil

From Thing 2:

If money is the root of all evil and money makes the world go 'round then...

To purge all evil from the face of the planet, we must stop the Earth's rotation.

There. Problem solved.